2017, in a nutshell.

It's amazing how every year has its own stories and highlights.

When I look back to all my 21 years of living, well obviously I don't remember them all but I surely remember the highlights of those years, they're all very different that each other!

As most people already know, if you're following me on instagram, 

this winter break, I'm just chilling at home, I don't go traveling elsewhere

because 

1. financial status

2. Fall semester has been eating my soul, my energy was draining, I just need to slow down

and reflect on my life.

Alhamdulillah, I got the chance to do so.

This is the highlight of my 2017

1. I celebrated New Year in Mexico!! I repeat, Mexico!!

I never thought I would travel to Mexico, it's definitely not in my bucketlist but it gave me such a remarkable memory <3

2. I was terribly sick during my birthday, but my roomies and Sofia suprised me on that day! I never thought surprise birthday thingy can still be a thing when I'm in Canada.

3. My dream to go to Iceland came true! Iceland is not a country, it's a whole different planet that I truly appreciate! I need to come back to this country and do a remake on Gerua song!

4. I ate Lobster! The first time I had lobster was at Le Captain's Boil and it was very disappointing! But the next time I had it when I was in Sabah and I loved it! But I suffered from severe sinus for the whole three months tho hahaha!

5. I realized that university is not just about having good grades, but about having good connection with the professors too, so I started networking with all my professors and attending most of the office hours. I didn't escape classes on purpose, I only skipped class when I was in terrible pain.

6. Interning with TNB. It's a mandatory internship that all scholars need to attend, but I have fun because I met two beautiful souls, tera and nina.

I also got to bond with my gandparents cause they sent me and picked me up from work everyday hehe #spoiltgranddaughter

7. I lived in Sabah for 3 months! I never thought my family would end up living in the Borneo. It's completely not in my plan but Sabah is incredible beautiful!

8. My cousin got engaged and got married in the same year and I cried about it because my childhood best friend is becoming an adult now and mostly because I'm next! It's so soon! slow down, man!

9. This year was the first year my baju raya I purchased that's by a famous Malaysian designer, Jovian Mendagie.

I never thought I would ever wear something from a designer but due to incredible discounts hahaha I got to treat me and my mom one of his collections!

10.  I tried different kind food, I'm not a foodie, so for me to actually try new food; it's an achievement!

11. I lost an important person in my life, my maternal grandpa, Atok. You will be missed, Atok.

12. My paternal grandpa, TokAbah was diagnosed with blood cancer and he's struggling to survive now, please make dua for him.

13. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and slowly recovering from it, as I'm detaching myself from unnecessary stress and I hope I will get better.

14. On top of all the stressful events throughout the semester, my robot team came 2nd in the engineering design competition! #proudmoment

15. Aanika and I performed three times at McGill events this year : 

-Southeast Asian Night

-Beyond Me Gala Night

-Diwali Calebration by MASSA

16. I'm so so so grateful that despite all the challenges I face this semester, I got all As for all my courses (1 course is still pending but the carry mark is good, hoping for another A). I can't believe I could make it cause they're all super tough engineering courses but Allah helps me this time and He helps me all the time, ALHAMDULILLAH!

17. I spoke about my anxiety issues and I received so many feedback about it, all of them were very supportive and I just found out that many people out there struggle with the same issues and i'm glad that my video could help them in some ways.

18. My best friends, Edda and Amirah visited me in Montreal!

19. I kept in touch with my best friends more than I ever did and I'm glad to be there whenever they need me and I'm so grateful for this friendship!

20. I bonded more with my roomies this year and now I realized we only have 1 year and half to treasure the roomies' moment together it really broke my heart, I'm gonna miss Montreal, for sure!

21. My family bond is getting stronger by days, it's true when they say life challenge will either bring people together or bring them apart; I'm glad it brings us together!

22. One of the most important person in my life, Pan, decides to create a more remarkable memory with me next year and 2017 is the year when we plan everything. Hint hint: not a wedding. I'm glad that he will eventually fulfill his promise even it will take him 2 years to do that. Yes, that's always his time limit. Thank you for staying in my life, and yes, you're stuck with me forever!

May 2018 be another incredible year, wishing everyone a wonderful year ahead!

How are you, Atok?

I lost an important person in my life, my Atok.

He's my maternal grandmother, who had lived his life in KL for a long time, 

but he was born in Malacca.

He has left us for a week, and a week before that he was already admitted to the hospital

because Doctor suspected him to have intestine cancer, but it turned out to be just ulcer,

but he recovered and got to go home.

On a Saturday morning, he called for my aunt's help cause he needed to go to the toilet and after going to the toilet, he sat on a chair and he became weak out of sudden.

So they made him lie down, asked him to recite the shahada and the next thing they knew was,

he's not there anymore. He had returned to the Almighty, the Creator and left everyone in tears.

Because of the 12h time difference, I received the news at 1.00am.

Who would call me at 1.00am?

Mom did, and she was crying and crying, I was shocked but I had to calm her down

and I had to calm myself down.

I thought I could be the strong girl here, I was wrong.

I cried for the whole night,

and the next morning, I was still crying.

I was not as close to him as my other cousins,

but his absence was really felt.

I could remember vividly, the last time I met him.

He was sitting on the chair near where I'd always sit his house

and as I wanted to leave, I went to greet him goodbye and 

he held my hands tightly,

telling me to always remember Allah and His Messenger, the Prophet Muhammad SAW.

To never forget to recite Selawat upon Him.

He didn't trouble everyone when he left,

he left in peace, he looked like he was asleep the whole time,

I know he's in peace.

May Allah place him in the Highest Jannah

and may we all be reunited there.

I know you're in a better place now, Atok.

I miss you, your cookings, your wise words and you'll always be remembered.

Gone, but never forgotten.

Worst daughter-in-law ever!

I'm already in my 20s, so let me talk about adult stuff. 

My parents are already talking about marriage stuff with me, how's the wedding gonna be like,

I am reminded to save up for the wedding days, really things are getting more serious these days.

And my parents can be very bipolar. 

One time, they're really being very serious in planning my wedding, and at other time, 

they're just asking me to stop daydreaming, get my head straight on my degree.

Lol.

I get it, both are my future, but wedding is more like an uncertain things, cause you'll never know who's you're gonna end up with (but I've clearly prayed days and nights to end up with someone I love lol).

But okay, put the degree aside for five minutes.

Let's talk about marriage.

Personally I'm physically, mentally and emotionally unprepared for this big phase of life,

because 1. that's not on my top priority list

2. I'm super scared of my in laws

In general, I feel like most girls are facing these problems,

how to get along with your in-laws.

I've googled stuff, I've asked so many opinions but there's no one formula on how to deal with these.

As an engineering student (not so proud about it lol), 

I always need formulas, if the formulas work universally, 

you don't have to derive anything to get to the formula, that'd be A-MAZING!

But in-laws... Nope you gotta figure out yourself.

I guess I should list down things that I feel my in-laws would hate about me....

1. I have trouble sleeping at night..........which it makes me harder to wake up.......in the morning....

Okay my mom always feels like this attitude of mine will put me into trouble when I get married,

but to be honest, I try my best to sleep early.

I will go to bed at 12 max everyday, but I can start sleeping at 2am.....

and I have morning class everyday, so I have to wake up at 730am.....

but I always wake up at 800am, get ready in 15 minutes, eat no breakfast, run to class.

In the weekend, if only I have urgent meeting, I will wake up early, but if not, I will pass 9am.

That's really bad, according to my mom!

Because when you're married, you have to do the chores, make breakfast for la faimilia and especially when you have that weekend sleepover at your parents or in-laws' place,

you're screwed.

2. I don't cook well....

Let's admit it. I love cooking, you give me any recipe, I can try cooking it, but it's the not the best in town! Especially I only focus on 'what to do' in the recipe, and always ignore the ingredient measurements. I will make sure the taste is good enough for me to eat, but my taste is very subjective and maybe it's not edible by my in-laws.

I had to cook laksa johor twice before letting Pan's family to taste it, because I'm that scared lol.

I don't have the super power, the touch to make things work. Lol.

What if, the very first breakfast I make for the in-laws, makes everyone sick....

H-E-L-P

3. I'm super clingy with my life partner lol

I know I will be a super clingy wife, for sure. I can see that coming, if my future is uncertain, I can bet you, this one has a probability of 1.

And I've heard that mother-in-law doesn't like his son's wife to be clingy...

In general, I'm not gonna be in a good spot, for sure, but the best I can do is to pray that my in-laws could accept that side of me haha

4. When I want to bond with someone, I tend to crack offensive joke about that person, in a very non-harsh way. I like to be sarcastic, but not in a mean way. I like to tease people, especially someone that I'm close to. What if I tease my in-laws, cause I thought we've bonded enough, and suddenly they take my joke so seriously and they hate me for their life... I swear I can be pretty harsh, I can help hating myself for that.

But some people's tolerance towards sarcasm is just different. How would I know?

When can I know whether I've crossed the line or not? Hmm

5. I want to live closer to my parents

What if the in-laws want us to live with them? But I want to live closer to my parents?

What if they think they don't enough love from me?

What if they think I'm being bias in this family relationship?

But I'm really the most manja one in the family, 

and what if my husband is also the most manja one (I think he's)? 

But I want what I want.....

6. I'm very demanding

I don't have high level of maintenance, I don't need my husband to spend money on my make up or facial treatment. I need him to pay for our future trips. I will be like,

"Honey, I dream about going to Vienna last night."

And the next day, he surprised me with two flight tickets to Vienna, and we'll be flying off this weekend.

I expect this thing from my future husband. 

This attitude really turns off everyone, lol but I'm just being me hahaha!

I will probably spend his money on duckscarves too, that's another story.

So when the in-laws find out about this, they must be very mad and hate me lol.

But ofc I will make effort by asking my husband to buy 4 extra tickets for our parents.

However, I think for the next 10 dreams that I tell him, he will just smile or laugh about it.

No action taken, nothing haha!

7. My favouritism game is pretty strong

The way I treat people or things differs. If I like you, I will treat you well. If I don't, I will pretend you never exist. Okay, not really. But you get the point, right?

So, this isn't about me choosing one sister-in-law over another but I always always always want to be on top of my game.

I want to be the most favourite daughter-in-law.

I want my kids to be the most favourite grandchildren to my parents and my in-laws.

Do I sound greedy? Lol. I am.

My mom's marriage life is the ultimate goal.

Every year she will receive presents and cards from her in-laws,

"kepada menantu tersayang.."

translated to : to the most loveable daughter in law

I want to be that too....

As I'm writing this, I realize that I can be an awful person! 

But also, I'm reminding myself to be tolerant in the future.

Okay Aliah, you have to know that you can't get everything that you want in life.

Things happen for the best reasons.

Life is short, so make everyone's life easier and simple.

Make everyone happy, so you can get the side effect of it.

Try your very best to behave, be the best version of you, and everything else will fall in to place.

Including, I will be the most favourite in-law :)

I smile to hide my pain

A girl came to me, mentioning how I always smile to people.

It got me thinking.

I laughed over the smallest things, I tried cracking jokes in my head just so I can laugh at myself.

I got the anxiety attack,  for approximately twice per week, which is a big improvement.

Am I happy? Am I not sad anymore?

The truth is, I'm trying to hide all my pain with my smile and laughter.

I keep telling myself that everything is gonna be okay, I can do this, I am a strong girl,

I keep telling myself that no one should know how sad I can be.

If you saw my instastory, I mentioned about my maternal grandfather  (Atuk) who was hospitalized last week.

And the week before, my paternal grandfather (Tok Abah) was hospitalized.

Friends were asking about how did everything happen, I explained but I looked so calm like nothing ever happened. 

But today, as I'm writing this, I couldn't hold back my feelings anymore.

I feel so sad when all of these happened, one after another.

I have 7 documents to write by Thursday, 2 lab reports due this week, 2 midterms and 2 assignments;

all of the workloads are enough to keep my mind occupied.

I don't think or worry too much about what's happening back home because I have other things happening here, in Montreal.

Yesterday, I received another message, my maternal grandmother was admitted to the critical ward,

because she has lungs infection, kidney failure, something wrong with her heart and her brain doesn't function well. She's diagnosed with so many diseases, that the doctors don't even know what medicine to give her and how to treat her, to begin with.

Tok Abah is still unwell and Atuk's condition is getting better but he's still weak.

At one point, I told myself to stop worrying, leave everything to God, if worse things happen to them, I have to be mentally prepared, because everything happens for reasons and there will be a better place for them in the afterlife. But at one point, I keep praying to God so I can get another chance to greet them, kiss and hug them. But God knows better.

I remember while working in the lab, I just inserted a totally wrong reading to my excel sheet because my mind wasn't there. When people tell me not to be stressed out about school stuff, I can. But all other things keep bugging me and I just have no words to describe to anyone about my feeling.

I don't feel lonely, I don't feel like I'm always alone,

I have great friends around, but sometimes, I just feel like

the moment I start explaining the whole situation that I am in,

I feel sadder. So I rather keep this to myself.

I've blogged about my worries, and it's true I feel sadder.

I'm crying as I'm writing this.

But after this, I have no reasons to cry anymore.

Back to being the girl who always smiles :)

Tok Abah is hospitalized and Tok Mak wants me to be the Prime Minister

If you read my previous post, you already knew that I'm kinda in an unstable condition.

On Thursday night, my uncle told us in the big family whatsapp group that my tok abah is warded. 

That's all, no explanation, nothing.

Tok abah is such a strong man, he doesn't fall sick very easily, so

having to know that he's warded obviously causes the whole family to be in a chaotic situation.

Mom and dad (and Ina) booked an emergency flight back to Semenanjung, all aunties and uncles rushed from KL to Melaka, life was pretty hectic.

I had no choice but to bug everyone asking for more updates, At the same time, I had a report due that midnight and a quiz to study for. I talked to Atika (my sister) about it cause we're the only twos that can't be there when the drama is happening.

We both came to a conclusion that we both are scared to read the messages on whatsapp on every morning because anything can happen when we're away. That's the drawback of studying abroad, you just have to accept all the news, good or bad, from home.

So, my tokabah lost a lot of blood, which the doctor found it rare because all of his organs are in perfect conditions and he didn't have injury or anything. So, there's blood transfer going on and at the same time, the doctor was interrogating the family members about the family medical history.

This morning, I got the chance to speak to tokmak about it.

I don't know whether it's just with my family or it's a normal phenomenon that old couples fight a lot. They fight each other like a child, omg you don't want me to start.

When I stayed with my grandparents over the summer, they fought all the time, 

even over simplest stuff.

I just found it funny lol.

Anyway, I gotta talk to tokmak about how things happened,

and tokmak and I, we had so many things in common and one of them is overthinking.

She can't see the doctor because she's scared of being diagnosed with any kind of diseases.

The doctor was just asking, trying to figure out the disease and she's already crying.

She's very dramatic, OMG.

So, I told her about me having the anxiety attack and I have to meet the psychiatrist soon,

and obviously, I had to translate the word 'psychiatrist' to an understandable Malay word which I couldn't find any appropriate term in my mind that time, so I came up with 'pakar sakit jiwa' and she freaked out!!! 

She didn't want me to be mad because of my study and she just can't accept that I'm having a stress issue and it's related to mental health haha. I mean, living in Canada makes me feel like depression is a common thing, but I don't blame her for not understanding this whole situation.

Anyway, as we talk, she mentioned about, how I should support the government cause government has done so many stuff for the people (oh yeah she's part of Wanita Umno and she's just their main lady, man!). I was just nodding, cause I obviously would have my own opinions (even I'm kinda behind on all political issues cause I couldn't even keep up with my life lol) about stuff and I was being completely respectful but she ended the sentence by saying

I should be the first woman Prime Minister in Malaysia.

....

What makes her think I'm eligible to even join politics, to begin with, hahaha

I have no interest in politics at all and I laughed so hard and she started to beat around the bush and she said, oh well maybe I can be one of the Ministers instead and make a decision for the country.

I mean...

At this point of time, I can't decide for my life, what more for the country lol

So, I changed the topic, talking about my cooking style and how I would cook so simple stuff cause I don't have time to spend on cooking like I had when I was in my first year

and about marriage (yeah I will tell you about that soon....)

After an hour and a half, she had to leave my place so we're about to say goodbye

and I didn't expect this coming at all.

She reminded me again about being the Minister/PM!!??!!

My reply was...

Maybe not the PM, but the PM's wife.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

jk!

Told Pan about this, and obviously, he's against this idea.

Tbh, I can't imagine myself being the leader of a country, I used to think that it's kinda cool

but as I grow older, I just feel like I can't carry that much of responsibility, on top of all the negative comments that I have to face and nope, I'm not up for the challenge.

After being the school head girl, I think I'm done joining anything that revolves

around political stuff. 

The school politics, office politics.

I don't think I'm good enough for these things.

I'm sorry, tokmak.

I don't want to let you down, but this dream of yours, won't be fulfilled.

I promise to be a better person, but not a better political leader.

At this point of life, 

I just wanna live happily,

with my family,

travel the world,

do what I wanna do.

Nothing interesting.

 I just want to live my life.

Anxiety Attack

Since last week, I am having trouble in breathing properly. Having shortness of breath always causes me trouble in sleeping, headache and sometimes I feel like vomiting.

At one point, I could feel like my heart just stopped beating before it would beat so fast

as if I just finished a marathon. I would overthink about it

especially after looking up on the net about the symptoms that I have.

Well, the symptoms lead to a heart disease that kinda needs an urgent treatment

but my schedule is so full that I don't have time to go to the clinic/hospital for a check-up.

But last Thursday, I had three hours of free time, so I thought I should see the doctor.

I didn't wanna go to the hospital because the doctors might think I was being dramatic about my 'disease' or I just overcomplicated stuff or everything was just in my head.

So I went to McGill clinic but unfortunately, the doctors were fully booked. 

I kinda don't get the healthcare system here because apparently, doctors can only treat a certain amount of patients every day and they can't go beyond the cap.

I don't get it, but anyway, I went to the receptionist, to explain my situation and apparently my case is kinda serious so they booked me a slot. It's an emergency, as they said, but I had to wait 2 hours for my turn. 

Long story short, I explained every situation that I had to go through and I was diagnosed as having an anxiety attack. My lungs and heart worked perfectly during the check-up, had no sign of asthmatic attack. I was not prescribed any medicine but I had to book an appointment with counselor/psychiatrist to connect the dots in finding the thing that triggers my anxiety level.

Well, we all know, it's all about academic stuff. I was asked the question, have I ever thought about committing suicide and my face was so shocked. Was it that serious?

But obviously, I never thought of that, but I just felt like sleeping the whole day

or I would just cry so much before going to sleep.

I was scared to open up about my problems, to begin with, but I decided to be frank and honest and I was told that what I'm going through is perfectly normal.

I have so many workloads, so many things on my plate and I don't have time for myself. 

I thought maybe I need to go for a short vacation somewhere but tbh, I don't think it works in a long run if I do not want to change the way I view things.

When people ask me what are my priorities in life, I can list all of them.

But little did I know, I just don't know my priority anymore.

Because the truth is, we can't prioritize everything as it kills the notion of having priority in the first place.

This weekend, it's a long weekend, due to Thanksgiving.

I started Friday night with having a me-time in a bookstore, trying to find good books to read over the Christmas break because I don't plan on going anywhere. I think this Christmas break will be all about spending time with me, myself and I. I need the break, not to travel, not to do something I have never done, nothing. I just want to read and chill and prepare for the next term.

Then, I went for dinner with my friends and watched anime with my roomies.

I also started my Saturday with my family. I facetime-d them and talked to tokmak and my mom. I had a long nap and I did my laundry, I ate and now I'm blogging.

I don't want to do anything related to academic stuff, I just want to chill.

But I'm still having shortness of breath.

I'm so confused now. Does 'thinking about stuff' could even trigger the anxiety attack?

Okay, I'm calling my psychiatrist boyfriend now.

  

How I remind myself to always be grateful?

One day, as I was walking to my morning class (I have 830 am class every day, not complaining), I just remembered my prayer, that I used to recite every day before going to bed and every time after the 5 times daily prayer. This is a line from my prayer that I recited every day since I was a kid. My parents thought me this and eventually, as I grow older, it has been my routine.

“…Ya Allah, berikanlah kami sekeluarga peluang untuk belajar ke luar negara…” translated to “…Ya Allah, grant my family the chance to study abroad…” It has been my parents’ dream to send their kids studying abroad, hence they make us include this in our prayer. I made it to Montreal, Canada and Atika is in Adelaide, Australia. Alhamdulillah, Allah grants the wishes, and hopefully Aiman and Adlina will be granted this wish too, amin.

This thing has been in my mind for a week, and today I decided to write about it. I just feel content and blessed. Since that day, I hardly complain about how hard things are this semester. This semester I have 3 lab reports due every week, one lab after another, back-to-back quizzes and exams, as much as I feel overwhelmed by school stuff, I feel blessed. Because hey, studying abroad has been one of my wishes since I was 3 and little did I know, 17 years later, my dream does come true.

A key of happiness is to always be grateful of what you have. And one way of doing that is to recall all the dreams you used to wish upon and tracked every one of them which came true. I remember when I was 12, I prayed that I got accepted to boarding school and 5 years later, I graduated from one of the best boarding schools in Malaysia. I was given a choice to study in the UK when I was 12, cause my dad worked in the UK that time, or to continue my high school journey in SSP. No one forced me, not even my parents. I chose to study in SSP and that is definitely one of the best decisions in my life.

One day, during YTN camp last summer, a wise man came and gave a talk to the YTN scholars about gifts and tests from God. He said that Allah will only grant our wishes, hence they’re gifts from Him, if and only if we can handle the tests that come with them.  To have our wishes granted is a blessing, and to be able to go through the tests that come with them is definitely a success.

Being in Electrical Engineering major is hard. This is the life decision that I always question though, but back to Paragraph 1, I don’t complain as much now.

I am a hard worker, I don’t know how to study smart, work smart, I don’t know. I study hard, work hard, because only by studying hard, I can get better grades. I’m not super smart, I didn’t get 3.90GPA every semester, but just enough to make myself happy haha. But I guess I should add on something fun to my ‘study hard, work hard’ formula. I walk.

Every day, I aim to walk 5000 steps and now that the weather in Montreal is still nice and not ice-y, it’s always possible. I will take the longest route to get home and take more stairs and it’s been therapeutic.  Today, while completing my assignments, I did time calculation in my head. ‘Will I be able to finish the report if I go for a walk at 530pm?’ After having a long thought about it, I decided to just go. Note that, I still haven’t completed the report while I’m blogging this but I just feel the need of telling my future self about this feeling. Anyway, me and Nawwar (my roomie) we went for a walk at Jeanne-Mance park and Nawwar has a new toy, a film camera, so we had a short photography session and as we walked home, we stopped by Chatime and had bubble tea and I went home, feeling happy.

The older people always remind me to not be so happy, because I will eventually cry after that but today, I just feel content. I don’t feel worried. I feel like my life has been taken care by the Almighty and I have no reason to feel worried about anything.

As much as I feel stressed about my study, my grade has been fated anyway. I just have to keep studying and do my very best because Allah will do the rest.

Another thing that I’m blessed about is the humans I’m surrounded with. At times, I had experienced days when I asked someone a question but his/her response just completely ruined my day. But I’ll always keep telling myself that these ‘toxicated’ human beings shouldn’t define my happiness, shouldn’t affect my feeling and they don’t define my life.

When one person doesn’t treat me right, I should know that it’s fine because I have 10 more people that love me and care about me and always remember me in their prayers.

I don’t have enough money to travel this December because last Summer there was a confusion in the calculation of the scholarship allowance but I don’t feel as sad. Because I know this time, for this allowance, I have to save up for something more important, for a bigger event in my life. And by sacrificing now, I know I will be happy later, even happier. Because why travel alone when you can travel with your most favorite person on Earth right? ;)

To travel is a gift, it’s not something that I must do just because the rest of the society finds it cool. Money shouldn’t be a problem, and traveling is not the only solution because there’re more ways to be happy.

I take pictures, not to show the world how good my life is. But I take pictures for my memories, because if one day, I lost all my memories, at least I have the pictures that could tell me that my life was amazing.

I write, not to seek for attentions. But I write for my kids to know that I’m not a superhuman and miracles don’t happen every time. My life is full of ups and downs but a little thing can make you treasure your life more—have gratitude.

I want to be a model

In my last post, I was mentioning about my skincare routine and not wearing makeup etc. 

But this post is definitely gonna make contradict myself.

I. Want. To. Be. A. Model

I want to be a model because.... okay I don't have reasons for wanting to be one. Actually, I do. I just enjoy posing in front of the camera. I like being dramatic, I like nice clothes, I like beautiful scenery. Okay, let me just list down why I feel like I can be a model.

I repeat, a model, not necessarily a good one :P and not as a full-time model obviously haha

1. I can act like a diva, in front of the camera, but not in real life (hopefully no one labels me as diva)

2. I look better in the picture than in real life (I'm serious!)

If you saw my picture first, then meet me in person, you'll be like 100% shocked like OMG she looks different in real life. (Bad kind of different)

I think the right word here is photogenic.

3. I know how to make faces

4. I like being dramatic but I know I would be a terrible actress. I'll be labeled as the new kayu if I decided to be an actress haha! (inside jokes)

5. I can be a model for the petite section because I'm too old to be featured in the kid's section.

6. I can work under the sun, by the beach, on top of mountain, anywhere but I shall keep it halal sisterssss

7. I'm not too shy to pose in public

I mean, I don't care what people say :P

8. I usually have good chemistry with photographers, mostly my candid pictures are not bad!

Except when my eyes are half closed lol.

On top of all reasons why I think I can be a model, 

I have reasons why I can't be a model too!

Just gotta do the reality check!

-1. I don't have the height to be a model. I'm super short! Like so short!

-2. I'm wearing hijab so my job scope would be very limited haha but it's not a bad thing in Malaysia as there's a lot of new models now and they're hijabist(a)s!

-3. But I'm not a hijabista haha! I'm not a hipster kind of girl, that would wear some cool attire, no. I mean I can try... but most of the time I will make people hate me!

-4. I can't wear foundation! Refer the previous post! I mean, can they just use photoshop....

-5. I'm okay with modeling but I don't want people to know me. I would love it if I can be a model on a billboard (cehhhh so much berangan!), but can I remain anonymous. So people won't judge me whenever I'm outside of the modeling site. Because I wear a terrible outfit on most days

-7. As much as I think I'm photogenic, I don't think I have the proper facial structure lol even one would argue that the 'proper' is debatable.

-8. You can be a model is people are impressed by just looking at you passport photo, like Tyra Banks. But...unfortunately, my passport photo is a joke on me....

So, if anyone would still think I can pursue my childhood dream and would want to hire me, 

I will certainly say yes!

I don't want a high wage, just enough for one dUCK scarf per session :P

After 6 months without foundation

Most of my blog readers know what happened to my skin in 2015. I had severe breakouts, there were so many red pimples and scars on my cheeks. I got embarrassed. I changed my skincare products from A to Z,  ranging from the drugstore products to the high-end products. I spent hundreds of dollars just to make my face acceptable by the society. I would try home remedy masks, you name it, I've tried all of the techniques that have ever existed. 

Okay, some products worked but some just made things worse. 

2016, I would travel with my makeup bag. I have primer, concealer, foundation, makeup setting spray, bronzer, everything! I would watch videos on makeup tutorial how to cover acne scars etc. I spent my money and time just to look socially acceptable.

2017, things changed. In early 2017, I didn't put on heavy makeup anymore. I put on BB-cream sometimes but I didn't use concealer, that's for sure. Then, I met Sara Riad. An Egyptian girl who has a flawless face, beautiful eyes and so I asked her for her beauty tips. Okay, to be honest, most of my friends, they have flawless faces masyaAllah! Most of my friends here are Arabs and Pakistanis. So I would do my beauty research, but all of the tips sum up to this: simplicity.

The lesser the products you put on your face,

the better.

So Sara shared with me that she never dares to put on the foundation on her face because her skin is not suitable for it. She would just put on mascara and lipstick and she's done. But if she wants to be a bit fancier, she would have her eye makeup on.

As for skincare routine, it's better to just use 3 products on the face; cleanser, toner, and moisturizer.

You've seen my BodyShop skincare routine right?

I used 10 products per day but my skin doesn't show any drastic move.

So, after listening to all her beauty tips, I planned on experiencing it myself.

I'm only using three products in my skincare routine.

1. Cleansing my face with Dr. Belmeur foam cleanser by the Face Shop

2. I'm using this alcohol-free and fragrance-free toner from the Body Show

3. I moisturize my face with the clarifying moisturizer also from the Face Shop 

This is my skincare routine for every morning and night. 

As for makeup routine, I will only put on mascara and lipstick on daily basis but during certain occasions like Eid or weddings, I would put on full eye makeup.

I swear I haven't touched any foundation or bb cream for 6 months now.

My point is, it's not that face is getting so much better. I still have scars, they're visible. People ask me about my scars and recommend me to use certain products. They're being very helpful and I never feel offended. 

But the period of 6 months without putting on foundation has made me accept myself more.

I accept my acne scars as part of me, I feel more confident to talk to people even when they're starring on my cheeks. Having acne scars seems like a weakness in the beginning but hey, nobody is perfect!

But all I know is I shouldn't let my weakness to weaken my strengths, right?

So, as for now, I just focus on my eyes because I could admit it that my eyes are my strength. 

So now, people are starring my eyes more than looking at my cheeks.

I'm sharing some of my shameless selfies to prove everything I've said.

#nofilter

On a special occasion, hence the red lipstick.

On my way to La Ronde theme park!

Going-to-class look

You got to do what makes you happy!

I'm so happy with my skin now, it's not the best skin you would imagine but

as long as I'm happy about it, I don't care about others' opinions :)

Gotta share with you three lipsticks that I love and my one and only all time favorite mascara!

I would put on these two lipsticks on daily basis.

MAC lipstick, shade: TAUPE

Estee Lauder, shade: DARLING

On special events, I'll be wearing

Revlon Matte, shade: REALLY RED

and MY FAVOURITE MASCARA!!

THIS WORKS WONDERS!