My Teenage Dream

When I was a teenager, I always had a dream for everything. My education dream, my career dream, my love dream, and every single type of dream. As a 24-year-old woman (oh my I'm a woman now), all my dreams changed because of the paths that I took. I didn't know how to plan my dreams when I was a teen, because clearly, one dream can change another dream, or one dream can lead to another dream.

I've always wanted to be a gynecologist, specifically an obstetrician because I want the women out there to feel comfortable meeting another woman dealing about pregnancy and childbirth. I would not be as comfortable discussing these matter with a male doctor. When I was 15, I learned about the heart in my science class, and my interest was kinda split into to, I wanted to be a cardiologist too.

I was invited to a talk show on Astro when I was 16. I had to share my study tips and how did I balance my academic and my co-curriculum activities. The host also asked about my dream job and I switched to gynecologist haha! My family still had the recording of my talk show interview and they always used that interview against me because now I'm 4 days away from being an Electrical Engineering graduate! (Graduation ceremony is still in one and a half month to go but my final is gonna end soon!)

I've always wanted to study in the UK. Maybe because I used to receive my primary education in Reading for a bit, and I wanted to come back there as a student. After SPM, I did some research about UK education, I felt like I didn't really like how education is conducted. I am keener to study in the states because it is more flexible! But I realized that in order for me to get into the medical school in the states, I would have to complete a 4-year degree in science, take MCAT and apply for medical schools and my grades need to be good enough - it's so much harder to go to medical school in North America. So, I decided, maybe I should just go to Ireland.

I received my SPM results, and I was qualified to apply for scholarships. I realized most of the scholarships want to sponsor students in engineering fields or accounting/economics/finance fields. I came from a middle-class family, I am in need of a scholarship if I want to fulfill my dream to study abroad. So, I applied for scholarships according to what they offer. MARA is the only scholarship that offers students to apply for medical schools, but for some weird reasons, I couldn't find the right link to apply for that!!! I guess it was fate that made me not being able to apply for medical schools.

But I did apply for UM, for Foundation of Life Sciences that could lead me to the path of being a doctor and I got in! I went to a lot of scholarship interviews, I managed to get offers from some of the companies, they all offer me Engineering scholarships. Most of them offered me to study in the UK. Only one offered me to study in Canada - Yayasan Tenaga Nasional (YTN).

I accepted Yayasan Tenaga Nasional because I suffered the most during the selection process because it was damn hard and I think it'll be rewarding if I went for the scholarship. I didn't know how to choose, but Canada seems like a more promising land, close enough to the states and YTN offered me a permanent job after my graduation and they paid good allowance too. So, what more should I want?

Choosing YTN has definitely changed my whole dreams. Now, my dream (mostly my family dream) to become a doctor has gone astray! I will never ever get to be a doctor. Now, it's been almost 4 years I am in Canada and I realized, life science is not really my cup of tea. I love math, physics, electrical stuff, waves, power and some codings. And I guess this is probably the right path for me and studying in Canada has been nothing but a blessing. I love where I am so much. I didn't even realize that 4 years have almost come to an end. It saddens me.

Career dream and education dream had changed. Although I am in the electrical engineering field, I still feel like I am not a machine person. I am a people person. Even the former Chief Talent Officer of TNB, Encik Azman told me the same. He suggested me a position in TNB after my graduation and I am very excited about the role. I hope I can do well. For all YTN has done for me, I'm so grateful for that. If it's not because of YTN allowances, I wouldn't get the chance to travel the world hehe.

My love dream. I always wanted to get to know a guy who has the same principle with me. We should agree on most of the things in life, we should talk about anything and everything at all time, his family should accept me, my family should accept him, he should play sports (because I didn't) and most importantly, he should respect women. He doesn't have to a feminist or agrees with feminism, but he should respect women. I'm from a middle-class family so I would prefer someone from a middle-class family only. It can range from lower to upper-middle-class family. I just think the upper-class family will never be able to accept me. Although this is such backward thinking, I just prefer someone from that class, because my life couldn't fit into the upper-class lifestyle. As for now, this dream is big YES! I'm on track haha!

As for today, my mind wanders. My interest has developed towards something new. I've always loved writing, I had more than 60 journals when I was in high school. I started blogging when I was 13. I love writing. Maybe now, I'm also into sharing. Sharing my thoughts, sharing my life story. My thoughts are not always wise, my life story isn't always amazing, but I guess while I'm writing, I'm learning something about myself too. I learn that just like life, my thoughts evolve. My perception changed, just like my dream. Today, I might feel like I've done the right thing in life and I wanna stay where I am now. But tomorrow, if I decided to take a different path in life, I might think what I did today was so off and I'm glad I changed. I never know the wisdom of everything that happens in my life, but I know there is a wisdom behind everything.

I did a survey on my Instagram yesterday and 25% prefer to read a blog and another 75% prefer to watch vlog. I don't want to associate myself to the title 'Youtuber' because I don't think I have creative ideas to keep producing contents. But I love the idea of sharing what I'm doing in life. But I guess if I did produce more videos on youtube, I will not be sharing things that are as personal as what I share on my blog. 

Dear blog readers, I know some of you have always been reading this blog since 2014 and you are always up to date. You appreciate my posts by spending the 5-minute portion of your life that you'll never get back by reading my silly thoughts. Thank you so much, for reading my blog.

xo

Happy Injury Day!

Today (Malaysia time): April 26 is the date when the twist of a fate happening between Pan and me. Oh well, I don't think I was being as detailed as I'm about to be today.

On this date, 6 years ago, we talked about random stuff, and he confessed. He had feelings for me, but he didn't wanna continue this because we're still young and he said he didn't wanna talk to me for a while because he didn't know if this is just a crush or what, like he needed space. I thought he was kidding, until the next morning I realized, he was being serious. We didn't talk for a month.

The morning when I realized that he was being serious, the day when I realized that we might not even be friends anymore, I cried. So badly. I never cried because of a guy in my entire life. He was the first that made me cry. That bad. It's funny when I think about it now. We're not even that close. Maybe I was sad because of the friendship that I lost. Or maybe I was sad because of the feeling that I had for him at that moment too.

I remember, that morning, I woke up crying, as if I just had a breakup. It wasn't even a breakup because there was not any special relationship happening between us, we're not even a couple. But maybe it was special to me, that I never thought it would be taken away from me.

I think I was being, and I still am a traditionalist, in a sense that I feel a guy should always make the first, second and third move. And he did. Maybe I never thought about how should I respond if I like someone back because all these years, before turning 18, I was avoiding love at all cost. I was not afraid, but I didn't think I could accept love from a stranger. Maybe at that moment, I realized, he wasn't a stranger to me, he's a friend. I kinda had feelings for him, but I just didn't know how to admit to that because all I knew was how to say "I'm sorry. No, I don't like you the same way. I think we should be just friends." I realized I didn't say anything about how I felt on that day.

Every year, there will be one night that Pan and I would talk about this day. What could happen if I told him, I had feelings for him too? Will things be different? Sometimes I wish I wanted to rewrite our story. Eliminate the part where my heart was broken. But it wouldn't be a great story, would it?

The funny thing was, the heart was broken, the other person didn't know he broke it, but he was the one fixing it, without him knowing that he got it fixed.

It's funny too because every year, I would remember this date. I even remember the feeling. I still could recall every single moment of it. I guess the one who's hurt felt the most pain, would remember everything. 

I thought to fall for someone, to have feelings for someone will make me a weaker person. I don't want to be seen as a weak girl, who cried over some guy. But I realized, to have feelings for someone is what makes me human. To fall for someone is what makes the world what it is today and love is such a strong feeling and cannot be denied by a human being. I realized, with him, I cannot undo the feelings, I cannot delete the memories and the feelings that I have for him are always written in CAPITAL letters. 

Every single feeling. When he's being the annoying person that he always is, it the I HATE YOU feeling. When he purposely did something just to make me go crazy, it's the I HATE YOU feeling. When he never wants to agree with me, he always wants to argue just to make me annoyed, it's still the I HATE YOU feeling.

Oh in our conversations, there's a lot of I HATE YOU, it's uncountable. But it's all the because the three words, I cannot express yet. Maybe that's just my way of saying stuff about my feelings. But most of the time, it is the I HATE YOU feelings.

My dad told me, he only has one best friend in this world. It's my mom. He will share everything and anything to her. My dad told Pan the exact same thing. Growing up, I've always wanted to find a guy who is just like my dad, or better. My dad has set the bar too high for any guy I met, but I think after 7 years, I could say Pan is almost reaching that bar. He might need to push himself a bit harder, but oh well the verdict will only be out after the marriage, right?

The most important part about today is I realized how deep I fell for Pan and how awesome does someone have to be to make me fall that deep? I'm pretty sure it's not the look, definitely not the height haha (do not be fooled when I told you he's a basketball player - he's the cutest basketball player ever, by size). It's the fact that he's an honest person, always being true to himself, he's being himself, every single time, since the very first day we met. He's genuine, he's awkward, he's playful, he's crazy, he's good at lame jokes that crack me up all the time, he's incredible! He lives a very simple life, he never overthinks, he worries less, he's happy all the time. He's like the opposite of me. I overthink, I look at life as a complex thing, I worry a lot, I'm happy but I'm always sad too. 

The only thing that makes me at least not so bad, is that I follow my gut when I feel like he's the one. I think even if it took him a year to figure things out, I would still be waiting for him. Unless if within that one year, Shawn Mendes makes a song about me. That, my friend, I will need another year to decide. Kidding. Pan, you're still daone.com.

911 - Emergency!

It was a cloudy day, I slept at 5am and I woke up around noon. It's exam week, and I always chose to sleep late except for days that I'd have a morning exam. I had an amazing dream last night. I got to meet Shawn Mendes during his Meet&Greet session in Malaysia with my sister. The funny thing was, in the dream, Shawn knew me in person because we had that Canadian bond lol. I was the second last person to meet him, one person before my sister. Shawn was so excited to meet me, like an old friend and we hugged and he suddenly cried. He was on his knee to be at the same height as me lol, and he cried his heart out. He told me how anxious he was, about the whole thing and he said he's tired. He just wanted to stop doing what he's doing. But he's afraid of what the future holds. In the dream, I felt a strong friendship connection. I told him, he shouldn't be worried about the future. He should go through day by day, one step at a time. If he's sad, he would always talk to me. And he smiled. He said, he knew he would always count on me, he always found a friend in me. So, he asked me to join him for the rest of the tour, I couldn't because I had to work. I introduced my sister to him and boom! I woke up.

It was a great dream, to be a friend to Shawn Mendes. I think he's a great person and I don't think I'd ever fall for him if we're ever becoming friends haha. Anyway, good dream it is. I don't think I'll ever meet Shawn Mendes in real life, because reality sucks and I'm just a regular fan lol.

I woke up, feeling hungry. I had to cook, but first I need to defrost my chicken. As I was doing so, I took a shower while dancing to "Particular Taste", getting ready to start the day and I realized there's a packet of keropok ikan in the cabinet. It's Hannah's. She left a whole plastic of Malaysian food to Nawwar before she left to Malaysia. I was gonna fry the keropok ikan. So I  heat the pot and came back after 2 mins. The pot was hot enough I think, there's no more water inside it, so I guess it's good for me to put oil....

And boooooom!!!!!! The fire! It was huge! The flame was huge inside the pot, Nawwar and I, were screaming! We got so scared, Nawwar took it off with water, I removed a tissue paper roll that was next to the pot cause it might cause a bigger fire and the fire was finally being put down. The smoke detector went off and it was so bad that the fire alarm went off too.  We took the fire escape to evacuate from the building! There're 5 of us waiting downstairs. 

I was so shaking, panicking, didn't know what to do and the neighbor was telling us to call 911. I didn't have my phone, Nawwar's phone was at 10% battery. I called 911 and they connected me to the fire department, and less than 3 min they came with two fire trucks! OMG I told them it was only smoke, no fire but still, 2 fire trucks came.

They entered the building, turned off the alarm, checked the stove, told us to be more careful, took my information and left. Omg, Nawwar and I were just laughing about it, because in 4 years living here, 24 years of living on this planet Earth, I never called 911 or emergency department ever and I called them because of the terrible smoke lol.

Not even kidding with you, I'm actually terrified to cook now. Even though nothing happened, no injury involved, I was still in shock! Alhamdulillah there's no real fire! So many things could go wrong but God saved us! Now, I had to actually 'burn' a hole in my pocket, cause I won't cook for a while. Still terrified! 

Hello uber eats my new friend~

Thank you, Pan

When I was 16, I always wonder if I will ever fall for someone. A friend told me that I built my walls too high, I didn't even try to let my guard down and allow people to get to know me. But I did. I think I was friendly, I am friendly. I have crushes, but I don't fall easily. I made a promise to myself that I will never say 'I love you' to someone until I'm sure he's the one. I'm glad I made that promise.

I knew Peter Pan exists when I was 14. But I only met him when I was 16, from afar. He was playing basketball and I was just on the bench, waiting for the whole tournament to end because my debate team lost. Then, I met him again when we're 17. It was on March 5 at the boarding school event for the Head Prefects and Assistant Head Prefects.  He was the Head Prefect from one of the schools. I was too. I saw him from afar, he looked exactly like I saw him a year ago. We didn't talk until we had to rearrange chairs and he was standing next to me. I had to pass a chair to him and he didn't pay attention, so I had to call his name. He was surprised, probably he thought anyone wouldn't know his name. But I've heard girls talking about him all the time at school. 

On March 6, I had to be the master of the ceremony at the event and my name was picked to deliver a public speaking on the same day. He was sitting directly in front of me, oh I noticed that. I was in group 1 and he was in group 5. At every event, his group will sit behind my group. During one of the event, one of the teachers came on the stage and asked the students if we knew her name. No one did. So she started to point out school representatives. His school got picked first, his assistant and he didn't know her name. Then, she called out my school. Neither of me and Seri, my assistant knew her full name. I only knew her first name. Coincidently, because of the group arrangement, my sitting spot was close to Pan's, while Seri and Pan's assistant were in the same group. She noticed the sitting arrangement and she made a comment on it, "Why did you sit close to each other? Is there something happening between you four?" We just shook our heads, in denial of the statement. During the break, I went to see her, apologizing for not knowing her full name. Pan came too. And then again she made a comment, "Are you sure there's nothing between you too? Or maybe I should expect a wedding invitation from you?" We laughed because it wasn't true. We barely knew each other, we barely talked. After the teacher left, we talked. That was the first conversation we had. We didn't talk after. 

The same basketball + debate tournament happened that year and this time, I didn't see him until the last day, prize giving ceremony. Our schools lined up near to each other. I saw him, in white attire, with his white cap. Who would wear cap in an indoor stadium? Anyway, my team was in the semi-finals and we were waiting for the result to know who would make it to the final. His team won the basketball tournament, he didn't win the MVP though. My team, we lost. I was sad, but I was happy for the Malay team, they made it to finals and my school's basketball team also won that year. Me and Pan, there was no victory between us. We just noticed each other's presence without talking to each other.

It was a two-week school holiday, right after the tournament. I spent the first week of holiday at home and the second week of the holiday, I had a school trip to the Philippines. He texted me in the first week of the holiday. His first text was a little awkward, just asking if I was Aliah Syahmina. The second text, he had a typo in the word awkward. The third text he was asking where I was from. In the fourth text, he asked me about the stereotypes of people from my state. In the fifth text, he dropped his first pickup line that I still remember till this day. I laughed so much because I didn't see that coming.

The whole academic year, we were texting and for the first time, I feel comfortable talking to someone about anything. We didn't talk much about personal stuff, it's mostly school stuff. It still felt different when I talked to him. We met again at an SPM program at a neighboring school. We had a three-day program, on how to score well in SPM exam. We just saw each other from afar. I had to take photos of the event, my teacher asked me to. So I went to every group and when it was his group, he was so shy to even look at the camera. But we didn't talk during the event. He texted me after the event ended. Both of us got selected for Khazanah Fast Track screening program, I only made it till the first stage. He made it until the end, but he didn't get selected. I passed to him good luck notes. He gave me a keychain from Singapore when he went for a summit over there.

When I had my SPM exam, we didn't text because I guess we wanted to study, He didn't wish me good luck on the first day, but he did on the second day. I only wished him back after he wished me. He told me he put my name in his essay, oh well that made me feel, hm significant? Haha. But in December, we didn't talk as much. So, I thought, oh well the school had ended, so did we. But in January, on my birthday, he was the first to wish me. It was the day I had an Exxon Mobile interview. I cried a bit.

We didn't text as much. Until the day we received our SPM result. He told me his result and we got the exact same result, straight As (5A+ 4A)! It was so funny.  He saw in the newspaper, a reporter interviewed me and there was a typo, in the article I received 9A+, I didn't. He thought I was lying to him just so I won't make him feel bad. But I didn't. We met again at UTP interview, I was lining up and he came to stand next to me while tieing his tie. I was so nervous about the interview and I didn't notice it was him until 5 minutes later. Little did I know, both of our parents noticed that we were talking and my dad asked my mom about him, lol. On that day, I had a gastric issue and he offered to buy me food, I didn't remember if I agreed or not. 

In April, one day we talked about random stuff, and he confessed. He had feelings for me, but he didn't wanna continue this because we're still young and he said he didn't wanna talk to me for a while because he didn't know if this is just a crush or what, like he needed space. I thought he was kidding, until the next morning I realized, he was being serious. We didn't talk for a month.

One month later, he found out that we're gonna be in the same university, but it wasn't for long, because I had to withdraw myself from that university. I received a scholarship offer from the company that sponsors me now. He texted to congratulate me, I was happy he did. But he said he's neutral now. He didn't have feelings for me and we could now be friends again. I'm glad things happen the way they are because I really value our friendship and till that day, I never told him if I ever felt the same way.

We went to different preparatory college. During the first weekend of Ramadhan that year, I couldn't go home. Being the homesick girl I always am, I cried a lot because I didn't get to eat tomyam. I didn't tell him I cried, I told him I was sad. On the same day, at midnight, he sent me a photo of him, he's already at my college and he wanted to meet me tomorrow. No tomyam, unfortunately. But he gave me chocolate and he was still shy and we just sat at the concourse area, doing our stuff with other friends around and they were so annoyed that he was acting so shy. Before the weekend ended, I gave him a novel, "Where Rainbows End" by Cecelia Ahern. There's a term in the book that perfectly described our 1-month silence situation. It was really a tug of war between the two of us. Who could keep their feelings the longest? Both are just too ego to admit there are feelings, but we played it cool. There's nothing to be declared, it was such a silent agreement that we know things will work out and we just keep it unlabelled. We've met each other's family. It's still unlabelled for a long period of time.

There are many things happening in between. I guess I shall keep that for later.

But in this post, I just wanna remember how we met and how things become serious between us. I like how things are going. It is such an interesting event, but I'm glad that it all started with us being good friends. Two good friends that can talk about anything and everything. We share secrets, dreams and hopes. We fight, we argue but we also make our time to mend what's broken. It's truly the friendship and companionship with him that I treasure most. He is always there to calm me down when I freak out, also he's always there to make me cry. He can be pretty annoying but he tries his best to make up for that. I'm feeling a bit emotional today haha. I just wanna say, thank you Pan, for being who you are, for accepting who I am and for being the bestest friend I could ever ask for. You're truly a gift from God and I will treasure this friendship forever. Yes, I will be your best friend forever till death do us apart.

(Still not saying the three words)

FREAKING OUT!

The past few weeks have been a bit hectic for me since I had so many deadlines, labs, exams, assignments, presentations and I'm glad now, it's all the exam part of my undergraduate study. Well, yes I'm glad they're all exams left because at least I gotta do the fun part of my degree, to actually study and get tested lol. 

On top of all the craziness, I had to plan the family trip that's happening in June and I hardly had time for that, so I passed that responsibility to my sister. I felt bad because, for the last trip to Australia, she planned everything. This time, she had to do the planning again. Planning is the hardest part of everything. The everything-shall-be-well-organized blood is running in the family and it stressed me out when I couldn't prioritize that. Since my sister is now on her gap year before going back to school for her professional paper, I think she would do a much better job than me and she clearly did.

There is also another big family event happening and we all need to plan and since my parents are not in Malaysia, and the whole family is not living under the same roof, physically, we have to skype most of the time to discuss it. There's always an argument, God oh God. One person wants this, another wants the other thing and although it's not becoming like a huge fight because lol tbh it's all just small thing that shouldn't matter, arguments can never be avoided. It all boils down to decisions that need to be made and one person has to decide and sometimes I wish it will all be just me that could make the decision because my way of thinking is very straight-forward. This is what I want, this is how I'm gonna achieve it. End of the story. But I didn't sound so wise, did I? Because what ifs thingy need to be considered and I hate what ifs. They have been destroying my happiness for ages, hence I wanna get rid of them altogether. But who am I kidding, life is full of uncertainties.

I always tell myself, to not immediately say no to any suggestions/ideas no matter how ridiculous they may sound at first. Discussions are needed because most of the time, our opinions are always limited to our personal experiences and knowledge. Others may have a better understanding that we do. Listen. Evaluate. Listen again. Evaluate again. Will the idea help us achieve the end goal? 

I was pretty anxious over the past few days thinking about this, but then I realize that I have to set my priority straight. I have so many things in between that I haven't yet figured out. 

My final, I have to start packing my stuff for shipping, I need to figure how to ship my stuff, my future job, the interview, I have three trips with family and friends before the end-of-the-year event and all require thinking and planning.

Oh then, I started being anxious again. Sometimes I wish I'm not a planner, just go with the flow kind of person seems to have a pretty breezy life.

What do I do? What do I do? I'm freaking out!

Insecurities - How I Overcome Them

Last weekend I had a complete breakdown for being insecure.

It sucked.

The thought of "Will I ever be good enough" is killing me.

I was sad, depressed and couldn't help but to compare myself to others.

Oh this person has a master,

I haven't gotten my degree yet but we're at the same age.

Oh they are already working,

I still haven't secured a job yet.

Oh they love their job,

I still haven't figured out what I love doing yet.

Will I ever successful?

When will I discover my talent?

What is my talent? 

When can I turn my talent into passion?

I compare myself to so many young, successful people

and I cried thinking about will I ever get there.

After talking about it

to Pan,

I realized that I shouldn't feel that way in the first place.

Insecurities,

it's a temporary feeling that one can encounter

at any point of life.

I encounter that feeling once in a while

but I guess it's pretty normal.

I couldn't avoid feeling insecure 

when I see people on social media 

achieving bigger dreams,

living an amazing life etc.

But I guess,

it all depends on 

how I respond to the insecurities

that will determine the kind of person I want to be.

Feeling insecure,

comparing myself to others,

will only be beneficial if I respond in the right way.

So, this is how I overcome my insecurities.

1. Take it as an encouragement

I may compare myself to someone who is more successful than me,

but the comparison I make should encourage me to be as successful/more successful.

I should be happy for all the successful people that I know

because they work hard to be who they are today,

and what they achieve.

2. Timing is everything

I am sure everyone at some point in life, has a dream,

already works hard for it,

but yet the dream has not become a reality.

It's not because we haven't worked hard enough,

or we're not lucky,

or the universe is unfair.

No, it's because everyone has different timing in life.

I will graduate at the age of 24,

some people are already married at 24,

some are already blessed with kids at 24.

Some have amazing careers at 24,

some have successful businesses at 24.

Some have traveled the world at 24,

some have owned a house at 24.

Maybe I will be there,

the place I wanna be at a certain point in my life,

but I cannot be certain on the age,

because my timing is different than others

and that's the beauty of trusting Allah's plan.

What we dream of,

will come true,

it may not be exactly like we dream of,

but it will definitely be the best thing that has ever happened.

3. Be grateful and thankful

I complained about my packed class schedule

or having to stay at the lab till late at night;

but some people are dreaming to study at the university that I am now.

I complained about having to cook every week

because to eat out is just so expensive;

but many people are starving and all they want is just a slice of bread.

I complained about not knowing what to do in life,

and thinking whether I will love the job that I will be assigned to,

but some people are looking for jobs for months.

I envy those people who get to make a living by traveling the world,

but some people never even get the chance to ride on a plane or travel outside of their countries.

God has answered so many of my prayers,

most of my dreams have come true,

and why do I still compare my life to others?

I should be thankful and grateful for all the blessings.