The week I got sick and I am still sick

I had a very busy week last week,

I had test after test, demo after demo.

Such a crazy week.

One last midterm before the final weeks,

it was on Monday.

After the midterm, I went home

and took a nap because I was so tired and 

I woke up to bleeding nose.

My nose only bleeds when I turned on the heater,

this week, Montreal hits negative temperature

and I had to turn on the heater.

My nose hurts so much.

I went to my tutorial with my nose bleeding.

I had a severe headache the next morning and had to skip all my classes but my lab.

I went to the lab, trying to finish it, but we couldn't.

So we said we would continue on Friday.

On Wednesday, I was fine.

My nose did bleed in the morning but the most painful part was my throat.

It hurt so much.

It was Wednesday and I went to the pharmacy so I could buy nasal spray and anything for my throat.

The next morning, my throat hurt so badly that I couldn't even speak

and it gave me an earache.

I had to skip my class again and went to the clinic.

Cause I'm afraid if it's the virus infection that made my health gets worse.

I went to the clinic at noon,

it's a private clinic and oh boy, they said I had to wait for min of 3 hours just to see the doctor.

I've skipped classes, I might as well wait.

After 2 hours of registering, I had to see the nurse.

I had fever, my body temperature was pretty high 38.4degree.

Then the nurse told me to go home and come back at 5pm.

So I did.

It was -20degree outside and I walked home, 

for 30 minutes because I missed the bus.

The worst decision ever.

Thank God I was still alive.

At 5pm, I went back to the clinic with Nawwar and my name was called at 630pm.

I met the doctor and he checked my throat and he said it's virus infection

but he's afraid if it's tb.

So I had to wait for the next 10 minutes, then the nurse came,

she did tb test on me

and the next 30 minutes I got the result and I was free of tb.

Fuhh.

I had to wait for my bills, it took them another hour to do so.

It cost me $170 for all of that.

WTH.

So expensive. OKay probably the test was expensive but they didn't even prescribe me any medicine.

They're like, eat them panadols and you'd be fine.

Whaaat.

I miss Malaysia.

Because doctors in Malaysia will treat me well.

:(

Friday - I couldn't get out of bed, cause I was so much in pain.

I did my assignment on my bed cause it's due that night.

On Saturday, I supposed to meet up with groupmates for project,

and nope, my nose bleeds, it's even worse and I just stayed home.

I was a bit productive but I should stay home tomorrow too.

Because I can't afford to miss any other classes next week 

and next week I have so many project presentations help!

Pray for me.

You only know me by name

Do you believe in the importance of name?

I do.

I think my name is an essential aspect in my sense of individual identity.

What is my full name?

Guess.

Before I let you know my full name,

let me clarify why my name is an important aspect of my life and 

reveal to you how well do you know me based on my name that you know.

My name is important because

1. I think my parents spent their entire 9 months thinking about it.

2. The meaning of my name is beautiful and to me, it gives me good luck

What is my full name?

Nur Aliah Syahmina Mohd Nazarudin

Nur means the light

Aliah means high, to ascend

Syahmina means the brilliant one

I am not sure about the meaning of dad's name: The last two names.

When I was in kindergarten till high school, people know me by the name of Aliah Syahmina.

Because there can't just be one Aliah in the school, 

and it happened to be other peoples' names are just Aliah. 

As someone who has a longer name, they call me, Aliah Syahmina.

The person who knows me by this name, they're my childhood friends, 

the person who sees me grow from a little kid who would spend her money on paper dolls.

They knew what I had to go through in high school.

Since the rising of social media, I used the name "Aliah Nazamusa" as my socmed handle. 

People from college and university, they call me Aliah Nazamusa 

and even in the university club matters,

 they will just use Aliah Nazamusa as my name. 

But when they asked for full name for the formality and official university records, 

I will correct them and tell them my full name. 

Everyone would be very surprised and the first thing that came out of their mouths was 

"Wow, it's so long!" 

I'm never offended, I just got used to it. 

It happened every time at the airport.

Different part of my name gives me different kind of vibes and 'spirit'.

For example, when I'm down and 

I feel anxious about what's coming tomorrow, I will tell myself, 

"It's okay, Aliah! You got this!" 

When I want to pamper myself,

 I will write myself a small cute note written

 "Dear Aliah Syahmina, you've done enough. You should be proud of you." 

When someone calls me by the name Syahmina, I feel more attached to the person.

But you know which name that people call me that give me strength and hope? 

"Kakak".

My family ranges from my late great-grandparents 

until the youngest cousins in my family call me "kakak".

 "Kakak" is used to call the older sister. 

In my paternal side of the family, I am the first granddauther 

and I am the third one in my maternal side of the family, yet they still call me, 

"kakak".

I think, because they call me kakak since my second sister was born, 

I got used to the name. But the most important thing is that, 

the name comes with heavy responsibility. 

I always have to be the best "kakak" because I need to be a good example to my younger siblings. 

I need to set the bar high, I need to achieve many goals. 

If I can do it, my siblings will be motivated to achieve better goals than me. 

Although it sounds heavy and it has many expectations to meet, 

I appreciate being called "kakak" because I feel important. 

Name makes me feel important. 

It's not necessarily being recognized by the name,

 it's the feeling of being appreciated and feel that I actually matter. 

Why do couples call their spouses by sweet names? 

Because the names they call indicate affection and love. 

At least, that's what I feel.

And "Aliah Nazamusa" is like my alter ego. 

Aliah is the dominant part of my name. 

Why "Nazamusa"? 

It's a combination of my dad's name and late grandfather's name.

 Combining their names together and attach it to mine, makes a  stronger person.

 It's not that I'm being a completely different person, but she, Aliah Nazamusa, she's a brave person.  

She goes out of her comfort zone, be on an adventure,

  travels the world and she believes in herself more than anyone else did. 

She has experienced many hatred comments, but she is still standing strong. 

Those who know me by this name,

 are either friends from university or they only know me for less than a year 

and most likely they know me by the life I portraty on the socmed only haha.

Have you figured out where you stand? 

Haha, don't take it personally. I value each part of my name. 

I kinda don't like it when people misspell my name.

I don't mind when people misspell it for the first time,

but when people clearly have seen my name is spelled out as

"A-L-I-A-H" in my instagram handle or facebook name 

and they still prefer to call me Alia.

No, it's not me.

 Oh then again, don't feel bad. 

At least, you know my name. 

Some people just know me by "Oh that short girl in hijab" lol. 

Hi, my name is Nur Aliah Syahmina Mohd Nazarudin. 

Thank you for reading this.

More involved

I've been involved in school's activities since kindergarten.

Not being part of anything made me a boring person,

cause I always felt tired when I wasn't busy.

I need to have a routine, 

I need my schedule to be packed all the time,

so I could maximize my time.

But after getting into McGill,

I realized that my involvement wasn't as active as before,

in fact, it kinda dropped like an e^-x graph.

So I reflected upon my CV.

Okay, was it the engineering field or was it just me?

I had no idea.

 I was VP for a club, I volunteered a lot,

I danced, I was one of the photographers for many events at McGill.

But I didn't feel like I've done enough.

Disclaimer, I'm not bragging.

It's just, hm I felt kinda bad for not joining more engineering kind of stuff you know.

But sometimes,

I told myself,

"Well, Aliah. In high school, you didn't join any science-y stuff either.

You were part of the debating team, you volunteered here and there, lol.

And all the conferences you attended were all non-science stuff."

Yeah, tbh, I'm not into science.

I'm more into arts. 

But I love maths!

And I told myself that at least, 

I wanna have a science-based degree,

because I just want to challenge myself.

It's not that I think I'd do well,

I just feel the need of being out of my comfort zone

and do stuff at the extreme difficulty level lol.

Yeah, I signed up for engineering school,

I agreed to be in the path,

although this is all written,

I had a choice before.

Okay, my choice was to be in an engineering school in the UK

or a medical school in Malaysia.

I picked Canada.

Still science-y, but you got my point.

I chose this journey so I gotta finish it.

And about not being involved enough,

I think it's better that way.

I mean engineering is already killing me from the inside,

I gotta need to do something of less pressure, 

less hectic and more of something I love.

Today, I received an email from McGill Tribune,

they handle the McGill newspaper,

and they accepted my artworks!

I'm more than honored to be featured on the school newspaper.

And it feels good to have people appreciate my sense of photography haha!

http://mcgilltribune.com/creative-f18/

Being more involved allows me to feel more connected to my school.

I like contributing as much as I can.

And I always tell myself;

"Work for a cause, not for an applause.

Make your absence felt, not your presence noticed."

I wish, one day, if I die,

at least one person on this Earth will say,

"she touches my heart. I will never forget her. May Allah place her in Jannah."

I can't keep up

There are days when I felt like I couldn't keep up,

with school.

School has been so draining,

my mind just got so tired at the end of the day.

Projects after projects.

Endless assignments,

one midterm after another.

Taking 18 credits this semester is no joke.

I woke up to dark circles,

and sometimes I couldn't sleep worrying about tomorrow's lab demo.

I know this suffering will be worth it 

because after the hectic week ended,

I felt relief and I know after this undergrad days end,

I will feel happy and relief but

most importantly,

I know I'll be missing these days.

Sleepless nights and unpeaceful state of mind.

Oh God, please help me get through this.