Have you ever?

Have you ever cried so much that your head hurts?

That your eyes turned so red that you thought you got an infections?

That you just wanna stay in bed all day?

That you just feel like you don't wanna do anything but crying?

I don't know what's wrong with me

but I cried terribly these days.

Maybe I haven't been crying for a while that

everything I see just makes me sad.

A little too sad.

Everything I think about.

All sadness.

Sadness galore.

Maybe it's God punishing me for not being thankful when 

all I feel is content and happiness.

I thought when I grow up,

I will be grow wiser,

happier.

But I guess life is still a cycle,

I don't outgrow sadness,

I don't outgrow emotion.

I don't outgrow feelings.

In fact,

it's stronger.

The feeling I feel is becoming stronger.

I get sadder,

easily.

Sometimes I feel

like all the problems are on my shoulder.

Sometimes I feel

like no one gets it.

No matter how I try to hide it from people,

with just smile on my face,

I am still sad on the inside.

I can lie to anyone,

but not myself.

I wake up thinking,

how does it feel like to be happy.

Yesterday,

before all of the sadness became out of control,

there were moments that I laughed.

While laughing,

it got me thinking,

oh it felt so good to laugh.

When did I forget how to laugh?

Life has not been stressful,

I'm done with school.

But maybe I am more stressful about figuring out 

my future.

Will I like my future?

Will the future be as bright as I would want it to be?

Will I be happy in the future?

Sometimes,

I think I am not the daughter that

my parents will be proud of.

Maybe that hit me hard last night.

Maybe I am not.

I haven't achieved anything in my life,

to make them proud of me.

To make me proud of me.

Sometimes, I lose hope in myself.

Maybe I was just being ungrateful.

Maybe I was.

Sadness is a feeling that God creates,

and places in the heart that He desires.

So is happiness.

So is gratitude,

So is love.

Maybe today, it's sadness that He places in my heart.

Maybe tomorrow, this will change.

Maybe.

Have you ever talked to God,

when you're not in your prayer?

I have.

All the time.

Sometimes, I have so many questions.

I have so many explanations.

So many justifications.

But with Him,

everything is easy.

I don't have to justify as much,

because He knows.

And I like it that way.

That I don't have to explain how I feel.

Because He just understands.

About my questions?

Have you ever thought when will God answer your questions?

I guess He does.

But His answers are never black nor white.

There's always room for the heart to ponder.

So I picked up the Quran.

And the first verse that caught my eyes was,

“Do not lose hope, nor be sad. You will surely be victorious if you are true believers.” (3:139)

Yes, He does speak to me.

In a way that I have to seek for His answer.

I guess it's okay to be sad,

but I have to know like happiness, sadness too, 

is a feeling that passes by.

It has limitation and I shouldn't be too sad about feeling sadness.

I guess I will be fine.

One day, I will.

Do not lose hope, nor be sad.

You will surely be victorious if you are true believers.

Do not lose hope.

Do not be sad.

Welcome to the makeup world, Aliah

I finally found the right foundation that didn't break me out!

This is not a makeup tutorial,

this is mostly me doing the kind of makeup that I never tried on camera.

I hope you enjoy the video!

Am I missing out the opportunities?

Wow, I've been silent for more than a month

that's not good for blog health haha

and definitely contradicting my aim to blog everyday lol.

After my final exam,

I had a list of topics to vlog/blog about 

but I was busy catching up with so many friends and families

before leaving Montreal for good.

I will be leaving Montreal in July and I am not ready.

But I'm kinda excited for the upcoming adventures but I'm not ready to leave Montreal.

I feel like I've done enough, but enough is never enough for me.

But I guess, I shall be super grateful for the amazing things that

happen in my life over the span of 4 years abroad.

Did I tell you about the jobs that I had to turn down?

For now there are only two.

I cried every time I had to turn down the offer

just because the process was long,

every job screening process lasted for 4 stages;

I prepared and had anxiety before I went through all of them.

I should be in British Columbia now, 

working for either two of these companies:

R** T**** or A**z*n

I didn't.

They already asked for my availability to book my flight from Montreal

and when I told them I couldn't accept the job offer,

they kept offering more money

but I told them the whole situation of my scholarship etc

and they gave up.

I gave up.

I am confused about what I want in life.

Is it the opportunity to work abroad, is it the money that they offer

or do you I wanna serve back the company that paid for my tuition fee

and my life for 6 years?

I keep getting back to the latter.

I argue a lot with myself.

I am not the kind of girl that lets the opportunity go

just like that.

I know I am not.

But it comes to my conscience that I should be doing the right thing.

Without my scholarship,

I wouldn't even get the opportunity to study in Montreal,

to even get the opportunity to apply for those competitive job positions at

the two prestigious companies.

Of course there'll be more arguments coming to dismiss that conscience

but I guess I would like to pause there.

I keep on thinking,

maybe I miss out the opportunities

but what are the perks?

Either way, I still didn't know which one is better for me.

Working at the company that sponsors me for 6 years

or working at the company that knows my ability from the 4th stage screening process?

I am pretty sure I wasn't the only one that had this mid-life crisis,

I know for sure it has happened to a lot of Malaysians out there 

who are studying abroad

under scholarships.

 I know everyone would have different stance

yet I don't even know what's mine.

I guess two hard decisions had beed made,

to forgo the opportunities to work in Canada

and will settle down in Malaysia for at least the next 7 years.

Or as long as the scholarship company wants to hire me.

Am I missing out the opportunities?

Yes.

Am I sad about it?

Yes.

Am I doing the right thing?

I don't know.

I guess I would love to think that there will more opportunities for me

out there.

There'll be more.

There'll be more.