Have you ever?

Have you ever cried so much that your head hurts?

That your eyes turned so red that you thought you got an infections?

That you just wanna stay in bed all day?

That you just feel like you don't wanna do anything but crying?

I don't know what's wrong with me

but I cried terribly these days.

Maybe I haven't been crying for a while that

everything I see just makes me sad.

A little too sad.

Everything I think about.

All sadness.

Sadness galore.

Maybe it's God punishing me for not being thankful when 

all I feel is content and happiness.

I thought when I grow up,

I will be grow wiser,

happier.

But I guess life is still a cycle,

I don't outgrow sadness,

I don't outgrow emotion.

I don't outgrow feelings.

In fact,

it's stronger.

The feeling I feel is becoming stronger.

I get sadder,

easily.

Sometimes I feel

like all the problems are on my shoulder.

Sometimes I feel

like no one gets it.

No matter how I try to hide it from people,

with just smile on my face,

I am still sad on the inside.

I can lie to anyone,

but not myself.

I wake up thinking,

how does it feel like to be happy.

Yesterday,

before all of the sadness became out of control,

there were moments that I laughed.

While laughing,

it got me thinking,

oh it felt so good to laugh.

When did I forget how to laugh?

Life has not been stressful,

I'm done with school.

But maybe I am more stressful about figuring out 

my future.

Will I like my future?

Will the future be as bright as I would want it to be?

Will I be happy in the future?

Sometimes,

I think I am not the daughter that

my parents will be proud of.

Maybe that hit me hard last night.

Maybe I am not.

I haven't achieved anything in my life,

to make them proud of me.

To make me proud of me.

Sometimes, I lose hope in myself.

Maybe I was just being ungrateful.

Maybe I was.

Sadness is a feeling that God creates,

and places in the heart that He desires.

So is happiness.

So is gratitude,

So is love.

Maybe today, it's sadness that He places in my heart.

Maybe tomorrow, this will change.

Maybe.

Have you ever talked to God,

when you're not in your prayer?

I have.

All the time.

Sometimes, I have so many questions.

I have so many explanations.

So many justifications.

But with Him,

everything is easy.

I don't have to justify as much,

because He knows.

And I like it that way.

That I don't have to explain how I feel.

Because He just understands.

About my questions?

Have you ever thought when will God answer your questions?

I guess He does.

But His answers are never black nor white.

There's always room for the heart to ponder.

So I picked up the Quran.

And the first verse that caught my eyes was,

“Do not lose hope, nor be sad. You will surely be victorious if you are true believers.” (3:139)

Yes, He does speak to me.

In a way that I have to seek for His answer.

I guess it's okay to be sad,

but I have to know like happiness, sadness too, 

is a feeling that passes by.

It has limitation and I shouldn't be too sad about feeling sadness.

I guess I will be fine.

One day, I will.

Do not lose hope, nor be sad.

You will surely be victorious if you are true believers.

Do not lose hope.

Do not be sad.