My dark childhood

I don't like discussing religions or beliefs with people,

just because I found that matters could be really private and sensitive for me and certain people.

When I was a primary student,

people judged me for not wearing hijab.

Any children shouldn't be treated that way.

I was humiliated in front of my class,

in a school assembly,

for not wearing hijab.

I still remember vividly,

the lines that the teacher called me,

some students called me.

For not wearing hijab, they said I shouldn't be called a Muslim.

As shallow as it sounded, I think I  should still talk about this part of my childhood.

I remember when I was 7, I would pray Fajr with the Qunut prayer sheet at the side

because I didn't remember it by heart.

But that one day that I missed my prayer,

I got punished for that.

I was honest about missing the Fajr prayer,

the teacher beat my hand with a ruler.

I went to high school,

my teachers are more open-minded.

They taught me values that are important for me to know,

they hardly judged me for who I am

except for one specific time.

I was called out for not 

being "religious" enough.

It's just because of 

I was not part of the Islamic Body

and I was elected as the Head Prefect of the school

and that person said I didn't deserve to be the leader

because of my religious belief,

while at that moment I already start wearing hijab,

pray 5 times a day and do what the religion asks me to do.

Yet, I was still being judged because I was not 'expressive' enough

when it came to religion issue.

Then, I went to Mara Banting,

where they're more strict when it came to religion rules.

And of course, I was being called out,

for a couple times by seniors,

saying I didn't dress properly, for a hijabi girl.

Because I was wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt and pants and scarf.

I'm blessed with my family,

my grandma was a teacher at an Islamic school,

but she never forced me to do what the religion asked me to do.

My parents have taught me that Islamic values are more than just 

about the Islamic rules and 5-daily prayers.

I went to McGill.

I met very few Muslims,

but I think being abroad,

made me appreciate Islamic values even more.

I always have a discussion with Muslims and Non-Muslims

and I got asked a lot about why am I wearing hijab,

why do I pray etc.

I participated in a lot of Islamic discussions,

trying to understand my values and ground,

the real pillars of Islam and 

prepare me internally,

prepare my heart,

and receiving questions,

make me appreciate my religion even more.

I didn't blame every person who judged me

when I was in Malaysia,

because I guess we're born in an environment

where Islamic values are accepted not

as a way of living,

but as rules of life.

People care so much about we portray on the outside,

rather than what's in the heart.

Your faith is determined based on

how well you dress,

how often you go to the mosque.

I'm not saying it's wrong.

I think we should also prioritize

other values and quit judging people

for what we assume them to be.

We should be kind to one another,

love each other,

help each other,

speak good,

speak with wisdom and kindness.

Just because someone is not wearing hijab,

it does not make her a bad person.

Allah may value her faith more than any other people.

Hatred comments will not make people any nicer.

Speak good, do good.

Promote Islamic values,

not scare people away by judging them.

Tell others about the good values of Islam,

not just the rules and punishment.

Being abroad for 4 years,

traveling to non-Islamic countries,

have taught me that,

Islam is more than just about daily prayers.

Islam is about love, peace.

Islam is about purifying your heart,

be humble, be kind to all mankind regardless

of their beliefs and races.

My childhood was not a great one,

not a perfect one,

and those bad memories of being humiliated in public

really haunt me sometimes.

I still cry about it,

but I do not hold any grudge.

In fact, I'm thankful for it.

Because of that bad childhood that I experienced,

I discover the light of Islam.

Because of the humiliation,

I know the pain of being judged,

so I shouldn't be doing the same.

Because of the Islamic values that I seek for,

I know these values should be held close to my heart,

and I shouldn't be taking them for granted

just because I was born a Muslim.

Because of the dark childhood,

I can protect my future kids,

from experiencing the same thing.

I may not be expressive when it comes to my belief and faith,

but I know where I stand.

I know I have many things to learn,

I keep reading books about my religion

because there are so many things that I do not know.

I know people will judge me anyway,

for not behaving a certain way,

but at least I know 

I shouldn't be defeated by them,

and I know Allah knows what's in my heart, truly.

Why @petitemalaygirl?

People made fun of my size, like all the time.

I don't really mind, because I'm kinda used to it.

But it can get pretty annoying when

the only argument they can have against me

is just my size.

I'm short, I get it.

150cm, 4.92ft tall.

As I grow older,
I realized that the reasons why they still make fun
of my size, because
1. it's fun
2. I always act like it's not a big deal
3. Probably that's the only obvious flaws that they can point out,
hoping I will get offended and stop being myself lol.

Size doesn't matter.
We all know there is a lot of petite successful people out there
and although we have limited credibility for some job requirements (ie to be a runaway model),
there are still plenty more jobs for us!

Petite people always look younger.
I still shop at Zara kids section,
they have an amazing range of fashions,
and they're a lot cheaper than the adult ones.

They still charge me 'youth fee' whenever I enter
a museum or ride on public transport,
I'm not complaining or denying lol.

Some may see being short as a disadvantage,
but I think it's cool!


But seriously, why @petitemalaygirl?

I've clarified about my size,
now Malay, why?

I'm ethnically Malay, born in Malaysia.
While people always scare me that I might lose my identity
and custom when I study abroad,
I beg to differ.

I think I'm appreciating my culture, custom, and tradition
a lot more when being abroad,
simply because I'm a minority,
and whenever I.m craving for food,
I gotta cook them or
attend any Malaysians gathering
because it's impossible to eat Malaysian food outside.


I am not a professional dancer,
never dance to a Malay dance in school,
but I choreographed a Malay dance at McGill,
to showcase my culture to the school.

Living abroad, speaking English every day,
makes me wanna go home and speak my native language
because of some of the Malay expressions when they're translated to English,
they kinda lose their meaning.

And I still have my Malay accent when I speak English,
which at first I thought it's kinda embarrassing
but that's just who I am and how I speak.
The French still have a French accent when they're speaking English,
I found it really cute.
Ok, not saying I sound cute when having Malay accent,
I just feel like it's kinda unique.
(at least to people here)

And they will come to me,
asking,
"Oh, you have this accent, that we're not familiar with.
Where are you from?"

"Malaysia"

"Oh, Malaysia Truly Asia"

Yes, they all know that song haha!


The reason why I created a website and an Instagram page
for @petitemalaygirl
because I feel like that's the side of me that
@aliahnazamusa doesn't show.

She is expressive,
she's poetic,
she can be pretty romantic
and most importantly,
she's bold.
She's not afraid of people criticizing
her words,
she's not afraid of expressing her thoughts
even though they're not explicit.


She has no future planned properly,
she wants to try a little bit of everything,
she's still finding her niche.
She lets people judging her words,
but not her appearances.

She's just being herself,
she's adventurous,
always wants to try something new.


She may not necessarily be my alter ego,
but she's definitely a character that is important to me.

Iron Ring, say whaaaaat?

My first day arrived in Montreal,

a McGill senior, Farhan and his friends, picked me and Nabil from the airport.

We went to our accommodation,

it's at Solin Hall, a McGill Residence

and we met more Malaysians

working part-time at the front desk.

It felt like home.

After we freshened up a little bit,

they took us for dinner and we went up Mont Royal.

While walking up,

Farhan told us about the iron ring.

Only engineering graduates from Canadian universities

will have the honor to wear one.

I swear I never heard of that tradition, ever.

But yeah at least, that'd be my motivation,

something that I can look forward too.

Fast forward two years later,

another senior YTN scholar, Jonathan

sent me a picture of his iron ring as motivation for me.

I had a pretty rough semester, but that kept me going.

On last Sunday,

I received mine.

Some people might not make it as a big deal,

well, I think it is a pretty big deal for me.

It's a big deal for me, more than the actual graduation ceremony.

The Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer - they call it.

The Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer has a history dating back to 1922,
when seven past-presidents of the Engineering Institute of Canada attendeda meeting in Montreal with other engineers.

One of the speakers was civil engineer Professor Haultain of the University of Toronto.
He felt that an organization was needed to bind all members ofthe engineering profession in Canada more closely together.
He also felt that an obligation or statement of ethics to whicha young graduate in engineering could subscribe should be developed.

The seven past-presidents of the Engineering Institute of Canada were very receptive to this idea.



There were some rituals happening during the ceremony.

I probably should not be sharing the whole story here
because I feel like some things are meant to be private
and let's not have a spoiler for the future engineering graduates here haha.

Only people with iron rings and professors are allowed in the ceremony.
For the students who were receiving the rings that day,
we could only receive them from someone who has had the ring for more than 3 years.

I saw parents put the rings on their children's pinky fingers,
it made me want to have at least one of my family members to
take an engineering degree in Canada,
so I can be the one who's giving out the ring haha!

I mean you, future kids!
#sorrynotsorry
#youmuststudyhardlol

I know only a few people in the hall,
mainly because of most of my friends
are extending their undergraduate years
by a semester or two.

I let my Microelectronic professor,
Prof Moural El-Ghamal to put the iron ring on me.
He did read a line,
initiating that he now granted me the ring,
so I shall be a responsible engineer in the future.
Most of the people I know received the rings from him too
because he's the only Electrical engineering professor in the room.

I'm glad at least there's a familiar prof.

Later, we took pictures on the stage,
taken by professional
and then I headed to the Y-intersection area
with Aanika and Iman for pictures.

Aanika was my photographer,
my makeup was done by Reem.
Nusaiba helped me out with my hijab.
Iman was there because she's my guest for the wine & cheese ceremony
and she couldn't be there on my graduation day,
so she should at least make it to one of my ceremonies!

It was snowing so badly, that I walked outside in boots
and had to keep my heels in my handbag!
Yeap they fit cause my feet are small hehe!

I met more friends at the ceremony.
They served mostly snacks,
since I couldn't have cheese and wine,
I just ate some sushi and tuna sandwiches.

Mostly, it's not for eating.
It's for meeting friends and pictures.

Leila was Nabil's guest that night.
We came in 2015 together,
and we're gonna graduate together!

Saima and Tamima were there too.
Nabila, another hijabi engineering student,
a friend and a brilliant one I'd say,
she's introducing us to her big family and
her mother-in-law secretly has a fountain of youth at the back of her house.
She looks super young, like in her 20s!
But she already has 3 sons, who're working/in the university!

I didn't meet Grier,
he left early because he had a midterm.

Greg and Myriam were there at the ceremony too.


Later, we had more picture sessions
and we're the last to leave.

Nabila invited me, Iman and Saima for the celebratory dinner.
It was Indian food! They're so good and I kid you not,
I was so so full and felt so blessed by good halal meat!
 Nabila's husband was paying everything,
God bless Nabila's family for being so generous.

They even had cake for Nabila,
and they're kind enough to even drag me into the picture!

It's a Fererro Rocher cake,
I didn't know that till I finished my second slice
and my lips got itchy.

Oh yeah, I'm allergic to hazelnut lol.


Here are pictures from the special day.

4 Days in Toronto - Places to Visit & Food to Try!

In my opinion, Toronto is a city that I would love to go back to as many times as I want.

1. It offers many halal restaurants that are not only Mediterranean food

2. The city life is not as hectic as New York even though it has New York-y vibes

3. It is where Shawn Mendes lives, kidding

This reading week, I decided to spend time in Toronto

(this is my third time and I need to come back soon!)

because I wanted to try out so many things and mainly the food!

I left Ottawa after my meeting with the Director of YTN.

I took the train (ViaRail) from Ottawa to Toronto

and it should take me around 4h30m to get there.

However, the train got delayed on the day of my travel,

so it took me around 6h.

Almost equivalent to the traveling time if I were to take the train from Montreal.

There are 4 ways to travel to Toronto from the city I live in, Montreal.

1. By driving 

- you might wanna go for this option if you're traveling in a group of 4 or more

as this will be a cheaper option

- you can stop by Ottawa on your way to/from Toronto to visit the majestic Parliament

or skate at Rideau Canal

2. By bus 

There are two bus services that I know of - Megabus and Greyhound

Megabus is the cheaper option between the two. Sometimes you will be riding the double-decker

 bus, but it's not very comfortable at least for me. I got car sick when I took it.

As for Greyhound, I felt like it took me longer as they'd stop by Ottawa for transit.

3. By train, Viarail

The most convenient way to travel for me because the train station is literally 10min away 

from where I live.

Super comfortable.

If you're hungry on your way, they sell reasonable price of food.

If your train got delayed, they will let you book your next train with 60% discount!

4. By plane

It takes you around 30mins or so to get from Montreal to Toronto.

I've never tried this option because I just don't need to lol.

I rank the order of transportation according to the price from low to high,

but I can't tell the average price for each transportation as it differs based on seasons.

I spent 4 days in Toronto - not including traveling day

and one of the days, I spent the day by myself in the city.

I think that I'm super grateful about is that

Canada is a super safe country for a solo, woman traveler.

I am really gonna miss that when I'm back in Malaysia :/

Day 1: Wondering around the city

I stayed at my friend's place, she lives somewhere near to Chinatown, not too far away from University of Toronto.

From her house, I mostly walked to all the places that I wanted to go.

I started my day at noon.

I went to Sansotei Ramen for brunch and I ordered vegetarian ramen.

It's quite tasteless, so I asked them for pepper and salt, then only it got better.

The portion was huge and the staff was friendly, so good job on that lol.

Then, I walked to Yonge-Dundas Square

to check out what stores do they have here.

It did have the New York Times Square vibe,

with fewer people and no walking characters who would chase you for pictures around,

thank God!

Toronto Eaton Centre is located there too!

They have Uniqlo in Toronto and it always has many people inside.

I was wandering around that area a lot because it felt like -19degree outside

and I left my gloves at home,

so I had to find gloves.

I ended up buying a pair of gloves at Canadian Tire for $3.99 but it's not the savior.

My hands still froze lol.

I walked along Yonge street and headed to the Old City Hall.

It's a pretty building but I didn't go inside.

There were many people taking photos at this building too.

This building is a street away to Nathan Phillip Square

and I spent longer time day just to watch people skating.

It started snowing for a bit when I got there

but that didn't stop people from skating.

In fact, I found that a little romantic when people skate when it snows.

I went home after because my feet and hands were freezing.

But here are the places that I should visit on that day too:

Allan Gardens. 

It is Toronto's oldest park, home to the famous Conservatory where

rare tropical plants grow.

Not a miss for me because I have seen enough banana leaves in my entire life haha

If I went there, I might end up stealing it and make nasi lemak bungkus :P

Textile Museum of Canada

It's a small museum presenting the history of fabrics from around the world

Fat Bastard Burrito for dinner

It's Shawn Mendes' favorite place to each but I had to miss it because 

I was still full from the ramen.

Day 2: Real Adventure Day

On that day, I traveled with my roomies.

They arrived from Montreal last night and today we started our day with

lunch at Khao San Road.

I had curry mee, which was super good btw.

My roomies had pad thai and the other rice dish which I forgot the name.

But they're spicy! 

We had to state of the spicy level and trust me,

do know your spicy level well because 

they're true spicy.

We later headed to CN Tower and Rogers Centre.

The fee to get to on top of CN Tower varies according to level

and I think the cheapest ticket was $38 without tax.

We didn't go up because it was cloudy and it's not gonna be worth it.

So we decided to go to the Ripley's Aquarium of Canada instead.

It's really huge and the designs are magnificent!

I realized that my knowledge about the underwater world was really shallow!

The underwater creatures are really amazing too!

I'm so glad we went in.

We didn't go into Rogers Centre

but judging by the outside,

it looks massive!

And Shawn Mendes Tour tix here sold out?!?!?

These three places located next to each other, 

so it's really convenient to walk around.

After spending 2h at the Aquarium,

we walked to Jack Layton Ferry Terminal

to purchase return tix to Toronto Island.

The cost was $7.50 each person for return tix.

I'm glad that we went to the island,

even though it was super windy and cold,

the view was breathtaking!

The ferry comes to every 45 mins

so we basically just spent 45 mins, walking around the island

and hop back on the ferry at 545pm

and walked the square.

We did some window shopping and Nawwar purchased some 

office outfits at Uniqlo before heading to the Captain's Boil for dinner.

The Captain's Boil is equivalent to the Shell-Out in Malaysia.

They recently closed their branch in Montreal.

Over the years I've been eating at this restaurant franchise for 6 times.

One time, I ordered lobster and after looking at the bills,

I just never did it again hahaha!

But if you got the chance to go,

order anything with the Captain's Boil sauce!

That's the best sauce ever!

Day 3 - More food hunting!

Day 3 is pretty laid back for us.

We started our day by playing Unstable Unicorn and Dutch Blitz.

Later, we went to Hanabusa Cafe where they sell pancakes.

The google search tricked us saying that they sold mochi.

But they didn't lol.

A bit disappointed but their pancakes are good!

Not to forget, 

the interior design is pretty chic too!

We later walked to DaanGo cake lab to buy macarons!

They sell carton macarons,

they're $30 for 9 pieces,

which I found pretty expensive

but we just wanted to try them all.

Some flavors are really a hit, some are a miss.

It's totally based on your luck haha!

We later walked to the Art Gallery of Ontario.

They have free admission every Wednesday after 6pm.

We reached there before 6pm,

so we just chilled at the gift shop.

The gift shop is pretty lit too.

I've been there once during my 1st year.

It's amazing but I guess it'll be more amazing if

you go to the special exhibition.

We had dinner at Manpuku Japanese Eatery  with Zubed (the friend who hosted me),

we ordered Takoyaki, Udon, Unagi and Rice, and Vegetable Curry.

It's so cheap, I'm impressed!

After dinner,

we walked to Kai Wei Supermarket and Hua Sheng Supermarket.

Kai Wei sells maggi and we're not that lucky because the asam laksa maggi was sold out.

I bought a couple of Malaysian dish pastes too!

Day 4: All about that food!

We ate macarons for breakfast at home and we headed to the Museum of Illusions around 10am

via uber. The reason why we didn't walk was that the place was 40-min away from where we stayed.

I vlogged most of the time while we were at the Museum of Illusions!

These are verdicts for that place though:

1. The place is fun, but some of the illusions are 

pretty common that you can see 

at any other museum of illusions or 3D Art Museum

2. The tix price is quite expensive considering how small the place is.

We later walked to Sukothai to have our appetizer, 

since today it'll all be about food hunting.

We ordered calamari, mango salad, and seafood tom yam

and in total, they cost us $9.00 each.

The next eatery was Canteen, it's a Malaysian restaurant

and we thought it was halal

but when we asked, it's not.

They got confused when we asked,

"is the chicken halal?"

And they started pointing on the menu, 

"Hainanese chicken"

lol.

So we just ordered seafood stuff,

seafood char kuew tiaw, fish curry and sambal udang.

We're so full and it's totally worth it.

After Canteen, we walked to Thai Country to get dessert and

we ended up ordering mango and sticky rice, and calamari again.

I ordered Thai Ice Tea and I kid you not,

it tasted like concentrated milk with water and ice lol.

Full stomach always led to sleepy humans,

so we decided to go home to rest.

We ended up playing games till 530pm.

We should be heading to a halal Chinese restaurant,

but we're too lazy to go out.

So we ordered our dinner from ubereats

and we got so much food!

The name of the restaurant is the Magical Taste of China.

We ordered lamb, beef and veges.

The portion was huge, we couldn't finish it.

So we gave it away to other people in the house.

So that's basically it about my Toronto experience!

I really had a great time 

and I wish I could come back again before going back to Malaysia

for good!

lots of love,

Petite Malay Girl

Gone, but never forgotten

Dear Tok Abah,

Today, it should be your birthday but Allah loves you more,

so you could celebrate it with Him and not us.

Last year, at this exact time, you're at the hospital.

I wanted to call you, to wish you on your birthday

but you're too weak to speak on the phone.

I spent my entire week in my room, crying.

On my birthday last year,

you're also at the hospital and when Uda asked you to speak to me,

you just bursted into tears.

I don't want you to know that

I cried so much when I found out you had cancer and you had less chance to survive.

I cried so much because I was afraid that I couldn't see you in 2019 when I come home for good.

I cried so much because I was afraid to lose someone that never failed to pray for my happiness.

I'm crying, still.

Sometimes, I feel like the news about your death was just not true.

I feel like you're still around, I feel like you're gonna wait for me at the airport in July.

But I guess losing you was the nightmare that came true.

When we went to Australia for Adik's graduation,

Tok Mak cried every night, because she missed you.

I bet she's still crying everyday and every night, thinking about you.

Tok Abah,

I know you're doing well there.

You're feeling better,

you're not in pain anymore.

I know you know that

I miss you so much,

there's not a single day that I do not think of you.

Your jokes are still playing in my head once in a while

and they still make me laugh.

Remember the long long green green joke?

That never gets old.

Sometimes, I tried cooking maggi the way you made it,

but it still never tasted the same.

You told me not to put on too much make up because it's not good for my face,

so I didn't. And you're right about it.

You told me that you believed in me,

you believed that everywhere I go,

I'd leave marks in someone's heart.

I'm not sure if that's true

but I think it's you that left marks in everyone's heart.

You always told me,

"Belajar pandai-pandai sampai menara gading."

since my first day to kindergarten,

and this year, 

I'm gonna get my degree

and I know you'll be so proud of me.

The little girl that you sent and picked up from school everyday

since my kindergarten years is gonna graduate from university soon.

You never agreed on the idea of me having a boyfriend,

you said, I shouldn't depend on any guy to be successful.

I should work hard for myself and my family.

But when I introduced Pan to you,

you liked him as much as I do.

When you're at the hospital,

you didn't wanna talk to anyone else but him.

For Pan, I'm so thankful.

I know that there's something in him that reminded you of me,

especially when he always visited you when I was 10000miles away.

Tok Abah,

people always ask me,

why do I use the name Nazamusa as my unofficial last name?

I told them, I carry both of my dad and my grandfather's name.

But what I didn't tell them is that

I'm so proud of having your name as part of my last name,

I'm proud to be your granddaughter,

I'm proud to have you as my grandfather.

I miss you, Tok Abah.

And today, it's a little more than any other days.

March 7 - the day you're born.

March 8 - the day you left us.

I wish this was not true,

but it was.

May Allah bless your soul

unite us in Jannah.