My dark childhood

I don't like discussing religions or beliefs with people,

just because I found that matters could be really private and sensitive for me and certain people.

When I was a primary student,

people judged me for not wearing hijab.

Any children shouldn't be treated that way.

I was humiliated in front of my class,

in a school assembly,

for not wearing hijab.

I still remember vividly,

the lines that the teacher called me,

some students called me.

For not wearing hijab, they said I shouldn't be called a Muslim.

As shallow as it sounded, I think I  should still talk about this part of my childhood.

I remember when I was 7, I would pray Fajr with the Qunut prayer sheet at the side

because I didn't remember it by heart.

But that one day that I missed my prayer,

I got punished for that.

I was honest about missing the Fajr prayer,

the teacher beat my hand with a ruler.

I went to high school,

my teachers are more open-minded.

They taught me values that are important for me to know,

they hardly judged me for who I am

except for one specific time.

I was called out for not 

being "religious" enough.

It's just because of 

I was not part of the Islamic Body

and I was elected as the Head Prefect of the school

and that person said I didn't deserve to be the leader

because of my religious belief,

while at that moment I already start wearing hijab,

pray 5 times a day and do what the religion asks me to do.

Yet, I was still being judged because I was not 'expressive' enough

when it came to religion issue.

Then, I went to Mara Banting,

where they're more strict when it came to religion rules.

And of course, I was being called out,

for a couple times by seniors,

saying I didn't dress properly, for a hijabi girl.

Because I was wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt and pants and scarf.

I'm blessed with my family,

my grandma was a teacher at an Islamic school,

but she never forced me to do what the religion asked me to do.

My parents have taught me that Islamic values are more than just 

about the Islamic rules and 5-daily prayers.

I went to McGill.

I met very few Muslims,

but I think being abroad,

made me appreciate Islamic values even more.

I always have a discussion with Muslims and Non-Muslims

and I got asked a lot about why am I wearing hijab,

why do I pray etc.

I participated in a lot of Islamic discussions,

trying to understand my values and ground,

the real pillars of Islam and 

prepare me internally,

prepare my heart,

and receiving questions,

make me appreciate my religion even more.

I didn't blame every person who judged me

when I was in Malaysia,

because I guess we're born in an environment

where Islamic values are accepted not

as a way of living,

but as rules of life.

People care so much about we portray on the outside,

rather than what's in the heart.

Your faith is determined based on

how well you dress,

how often you go to the mosque.

I'm not saying it's wrong.

I think we should also prioritize

other values and quit judging people

for what we assume them to be.

We should be kind to one another,

love each other,

help each other,

speak good,

speak with wisdom and kindness.

Just because someone is not wearing hijab,

it does not make her a bad person.

Allah may value her faith more than any other people.

Hatred comments will not make people any nicer.

Speak good, do good.

Promote Islamic values,

not scare people away by judging them.

Tell others about the good values of Islam,

not just the rules and punishment.

Being abroad for 4 years,

traveling to non-Islamic countries,

have taught me that,

Islam is more than just about daily prayers.

Islam is about love, peace.

Islam is about purifying your heart,

be humble, be kind to all mankind regardless

of their beliefs and races.

My childhood was not a great one,

not a perfect one,

and those bad memories of being humiliated in public

really haunt me sometimes.

I still cry about it,

but I do not hold any grudge.

In fact, I'm thankful for it.

Because of that bad childhood that I experienced,

I discover the light of Islam.

Because of the humiliation,

I know the pain of being judged,

so I shouldn't be doing the same.

Because of the Islamic values that I seek for,

I know these values should be held close to my heart,

and I shouldn't be taking them for granted

just because I was born a Muslim.

Because of the dark childhood,

I can protect my future kids,

from experiencing the same thing.

I may not be expressive when it comes to my belief and faith,

but I know where I stand.

I know I have many things to learn,

I keep reading books about my religion

because there are so many things that I do not know.

I know people will judge me anyway,

for not behaving a certain way,

but at least I know 

I shouldn't be defeated by them,

and I know Allah knows what's in my heart, truly.