Dear Tok Abah,
Today, it should be your birthday but Allah loves you more,
so you could celebrate it with Him and not us.
Last year, at this exact time, you're at the hospital.
I wanted to call you, to wish you on your birthday
but you're too weak to speak on the phone.
I spent my entire week in my room, crying.
On my birthday last year,
you're also at the hospital and when Uda asked you to speak to me,
you just bursted into tears.
I don't want you to know that
I cried so much when I found out you had cancer and you had less chance to survive.
I cried so much because I was afraid that I couldn't see you in 2019 when I come home for good.
I cried so much because I was afraid to lose someone that never failed to pray for my happiness.
I'm crying, still.
Sometimes, I feel like the news about your death was just not true.
I feel like you're still around, I feel like you're gonna wait for me at the airport in July.
But I guess losing you was the nightmare that came true.
When we went to Australia for Adik's graduation,
Tok Mak cried every night, because she missed you.
I bet she's still crying everyday and every night, thinking about you.
Tok Abah,
I know you're doing well there.
You're feeling better,
you're not in pain anymore.
I know you know that
I miss you so much,
there's not a single day that I do not think of you.
Your jokes are still playing in my head once in a while
and they still make me laugh.
Remember the long long green green joke?
That never gets old.
Sometimes, I tried cooking maggi the way you made it,
but it still never tasted the same.
You told me not to put on too much make up because it's not good for my face,
so I didn't. And you're right about it.
You told me that you believed in me,
you believed that everywhere I go,
I'd leave marks in someone's heart.
I'm not sure if that's true
but I think it's you that left marks in everyone's heart.
You always told me,
"Belajar pandai-pandai sampai menara gading."
since my first day to kindergarten,
and this year,
I'm gonna get my degree
and I know you'll be so proud of me.
The little girl that you sent and picked up from school everyday
since my kindergarten years is gonna graduate from university soon.
You never agreed on the idea of me having a boyfriend,
you said, I shouldn't depend on any guy to be successful.
I should work hard for myself and my family.
But when I introduced Pan to you,
you liked him as much as I do.
When you're at the hospital,
you didn't wanna talk to anyone else but him.
For Pan, I'm so thankful.
I know that there's something in him that reminded you of me,
especially when he always visited you when I was 10000miles away.
Tok Abah,
people always ask me,
why do I use the name Nazamusa as my unofficial last name?
I told them, I carry both of my dad and my grandfather's name.
But what I didn't tell them is that
I'm so proud of having your name as part of my last name,
I'm proud to be your granddaughter,
I'm proud to have you as my grandfather.
I miss you, Tok Abah.
And today, it's a little more than any other days.
March 7 - the day you're born.
March 8 - the day you left us.
I wish this was not true,
but it was.
May Allah bless your soul
unite us in Jannah.
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