Actually, I'm anaemic

 I never knew I am, till December 24 last year.

I talked to so many doctor friends, clinic visitation is a weekly thing

and I was just scared.

Because I couldn't even walk for a long time,

or standing, or cooking because I felt so dizzy.

I passed out on certain days.

It was a crazy ride and I had to go through blood test

for every two weeks, and my haemoglobin level kept decreasing.

Normal woman should have haemoglobin level of 12.

Mine was 8.4. 

It decreased from 10, to 8.4 in 2 months.

Although I've taken iron supplements, changed my diet accordingly

but according to doctors, oral supplements will take time.

I've met more than 5 doctors, for advices

and some made me scared of losing my life.

I did also thalassemic test and alhamdulillah I didn't have it

but the volume and size of my red blood cells are abnormally low and small.

Yesterday, I couldn't even do anything.

I kept vomiting and felt dizzy.

I need to stay in bed and decided to go to clinic to get medical certificate.

I got three days of medical leave and 

I've made it clear to all my bosses 

(yes, I had to report to multiple bosses and you can refer my previous posts on work stress),

that I'm on medical leave

but this morning, they just didn't wanna leave me alone.

It was hard to make people understand the situation that I put in

and yesterday, when seeing the doctor,

I told her that I also had difficulty in breathing at night.

I would just wake up, just because I felt like somebody choked me.

I couldn't breathe.

Pan said, I had nightmares every night

and I didn't sound okay when I was asleep.

I showered while sitting down.

And the doctor asked me,

"Are you stressed out?"

I cried.

I cried my heart out.

I told her, I don't know if this is the cause and I'm scared if it does.

But I am stressful.

It's just a lot for me to take.

Yet, I don't wanna sound weak.

And I gave the doctors all these disclaimers,

trying to cancel out the stress, just to not make me feel like I'm weak.

But she told me,

that I need help.

And I need to rest.

So she gave me three days of medical leave,

she couldn't give me more at a time.

I hate this feeling of guilt,

when I had to not do my job because I'm sick.

But the doctor pointed out the same advice

like my husband, my parents, my friends;

"In the end, you're replaceable. If you don't take care of yourself and your baby,

things will get worse. You might lose life at this stage if you do not focus on your health.

And when that happened, your company will replace you with someone else

and operate like nothing happens."

I kept weeping.

I don't know it could be this bad, to be honest.

And it stressed me more,

when people still called me.

Still whatsapped me, for me to operate 

when I'm on medical leave.

At this point,

I just ignore everything.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I need to think about myself,

and my 19-week old inside of me, that is so precious to me

and I couldn't afford to lose.

Oh Allah,

give me strength.

You'll be remembered, forever.

 

This is the portrait of my great grandparents,

who are my dad's maternal grandparents.

Hjh Mah and Hj Amat.

In Ramadhan 2005, my Tok Aki (Hj Amat) left us for

the next life and it was the first passing of my family member that I could remember.

3 years later, on 7th of March 2008,

my Tok Wan (Hjh Mah) followed him.

My dad was so devastated because he's the closest to his grandparents.

We all were.

Tok Wan was a great cook and she made the best jemput-jemput

and the best asam pedas

and I remembered the last time I saw her

was on a Sunday, before I made my way to SSP

during my January overnight.

She looked happy and glowing.

I complimented her. She was 70+ at that time, but she didn't look like one.

She was so happy to see me and she kissed me on my cheeks a few times.

Little did I know, it was her last kiss for me.

Today was supposed to be Tok Abah's 74th birthday but he left us

when he just turned 71. It was 8th of March 2018

and the darkest day of my Montreal life.

Because I was away, not being able to meet him, before his last breath.

He was the proudest of my achievement in life and he was

there at every of my scholarship interview

and university interview.

He was there on each of my first days.

On my first day at kindergarten,

On my first day at primary school,

On my first day at SSP,

On my first day at KMB,

my first flight to Canada,

my second flight to Canada,

my first day at my internship

and my third flight to Canada.

That was the last time we met.

And he held my hand like he never held my hand before.

He hugged me tight and it was my last memory with him.

And every time I wrote about this,

no matter  how many years it's been,

I still am crying a river.

And the fact that he wasn't there during my wedding events,

it hurt me most.

To the man who would perform solat hajat during every of my exam paper,

he definitely is so special to me.

And I miss him so dearly.

Al-Fatihah to Hj Musa.

I miss you Tok Abah, a little extra today.