Actually, I'm anaemic

 I never knew I am, till December 24 last year.

I talked to so many doctor friends, clinic visitation is a weekly thing

and I was just scared.

Because I couldn't even walk for a long time,

or standing, or cooking because I felt so dizzy.

I passed out on certain days.

It was a crazy ride and I had to go through blood test

for every two weeks, and my haemoglobin level kept decreasing.

Normal woman should have haemoglobin level of 12.

Mine was 8.4. 

It decreased from 10, to 8.4 in 2 months.

Although I've taken iron supplements, changed my diet accordingly

but according to doctors, oral supplements will take time.

I've met more than 5 doctors, for advices

and some made me scared of losing my life.

I did also thalassemic test and alhamdulillah I didn't have it

but the volume and size of my red blood cells are abnormally low and small.

Yesterday, I couldn't even do anything.

I kept vomiting and felt dizzy.

I need to stay in bed and decided to go to clinic to get medical certificate.

I got three days of medical leave and 

I've made it clear to all my bosses 

(yes, I had to report to multiple bosses and you can refer my previous posts on work stress),

that I'm on medical leave

but this morning, they just didn't wanna leave me alone.

It was hard to make people understand the situation that I put in

and yesterday, when seeing the doctor,

I told her that I also had difficulty in breathing at night.

I would just wake up, just because I felt like somebody choked me.

I couldn't breathe.

Pan said, I had nightmares every night

and I didn't sound okay when I was asleep.

I showered while sitting down.

And the doctor asked me,

"Are you stressed out?"

I cried.

I cried my heart out.

I told her, I don't know if this is the cause and I'm scared if it does.

But I am stressful.

It's just a lot for me to take.

Yet, I don't wanna sound weak.

And I gave the doctors all these disclaimers,

trying to cancel out the stress, just to not make me feel like I'm weak.

But she told me,

that I need help.

And I need to rest.

So she gave me three days of medical leave,

she couldn't give me more at a time.

I hate this feeling of guilt,

when I had to not do my job because I'm sick.

But the doctor pointed out the same advice

like my husband, my parents, my friends;

"In the end, you're replaceable. If you don't take care of yourself and your baby,

things will get worse. You might lose life at this stage if you do not focus on your health.

And when that happened, your company will replace you with someone else

and operate like nothing happens."

I kept weeping.

I don't know it could be this bad, to be honest.

And it stressed me more,

when people still called me.

Still whatsapped me, for me to operate 

when I'm on medical leave.

At this point,

I just ignore everything.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I need to think about myself,

and my 19-week old inside of me, that is so precious to me

and I couldn't afford to lose.

Oh Allah,

give me strength.