And all the fairytales make me think

All the fairytales make me think

do fairytales actually exist?

The books I read,

make me think of the possibility of those crises

that happened, 

would they ever turn to be something I could cherish later?

Will time heal everything?

Reading the books, imagining myself to be the character portrayed,

it's not right.

I didn't feel right,

in a sense that

I never loved someone as much as the character would do.

I have always been the opposite.

I would be the one who didn't show much affection,

I would be the one who didn't appreciate enough.

I would be the one who didn't love enough.

Maybe I just suck at expressing my feeling?

I could write, yes.

I could write a damn good, heart-touching card

expressing what I feel,

but in front of the person I love,

I'm acting cold.

Or maybe I am not?

I don't know how to show my affection 

other than to always want to be around that person all the time.

Because I would feel safe, loved and at home.

I feel comfortable.

Even though there's no conversation happening.

Just be there at the moment.

I don't know how to show my appreciation,

but I know for sure I never miss a day without planning 

what I want to do when we're together.

I don't know how to show my love,

but I know for sure all the little things that always remind me of the people I love.

I'm known for my behavior that sometimes

I would isolate myself from people,

I'd rather be alone in my own world.

I'm known for my behavior of pushing people I love away,

just because I want them to pull me back.

I'm known for always not feeling good about myself.

I always thought I'm a failure to my past self, the younger me.

I feel like I haven't achieved much enough,

I haven't been the person I wanted to be before.

But most of the time,

I'm feeling like a failure because people always put me first.

I know that's what everyone wants,

that's what I always want.

I want my loved ones to put me first,

just like how I would prioritize them.

But today,

because of that selfish want,

I feel like I'm a failure,

I haven't been supportive enough,

I haven't been the person I wanted to be,

by not being there, cherishing people I love,

pushing them to achieve their dreams.

I feel like I'm pulling them one step backward.

They had to miss one checklist of their days

because of me,

And that's all because they love me.

And I never appreciate that,

I did, but I didn't show that.

I know I don't deserve all the attention and all the loves. 

I don't deserve all the gifts.

But Aliah, at least you should have gratitude!

Gratitude.

Be thankful.

Be thankful for the unconditional loves you receive.

Be thankful for the people who put you first before anyone else.

Put your emotion aside.

Put your ego aside.

Put your 'I don't know what I want' aside.

Appreciate the moment,

be in the moment,

love the people
who sincerely love you and never ask for anything in return,
but your love.

Be thankful, Aliah.

Be thankful.

My first Ramadhan away

I'm feeling very blue these days,

everything seems a little sadder.

It's Ramadhan,

this is my first time away from home during this holy month.

I've been missing this month,

I've been feeling afraid if I couldn't be in this month again.

I've been missing my grandfathers.

Back in schools,

I would feel very lucky, cause I still had both sides of my grandparents.

This Raya,

I'm only left with my grandmothers.

It feels rather sad.

I would call my mum every day,

my maternal grandma is staying at our home now.

She would ask me every day,

why didn't I come home?

Honest answer,

I don't have enough money to pay for my flight tickets.

Even though my parents have offered me, I rather not to.

Because I've owed them so much,

I rather stay here and not waste their money.

I mean, they have many other commitments to think about.

My money could have been enough,

but I will be traveling in Europe from June till August.

Excited? Absolutely!

But I'm still sad for not gonna make it home this Eid.

My grandma would tell me, 

every single day,

to come home cause she misses me

and to come home for Raya because that's the least a daughter could do to make the parents happy.

I get it.

But it'll be the least I could do if I'm staying in Malaysia, but different state

and the transportation cost would be less than RM1000.

You gotta pay for what you decide, right?

Studying abroad is not all cupcakes and rainbows.

There's up and down and I would say 

having to celebrate the month of togetherness;

Ramadhan and Syawal without beloved ones,

that's a tough one.

But hey, on the bright side,

it's a life experience that I might appreciate in the future right?

As for now,

I'm craving for tepung pelita hati and taufu faa!

What's your favorite Ramadhan kuih?

Sleepless nights, again?

My anxiety is back!

I had trouble sleeping for the whole week,

and today I got a pretty bad headache cause I could only sleep for

an hour or two every day.

It's not due to me pulling all-nighters,

it's just that,

I'm getting anxious on my exams,

of waking up late to class etc.

It's gonna be Ramadhan soon,

and one of my prayers that I hope God will answer is

the ability to have ease in sleeping.

Didn't appreciate sleeping as God's gift till I lost it.

My accounting skills?

I'm not a 'finance' person.

I had trouble balancing out my own account, simply because I have no controls on my wantsss.

I have so many wantssss and I think they're all my needssss.

This month, I'm taking summer class: Engineering Economics,

so I thought oh wow I love economics,

but now I'm in my third week and I realized economics isn't

just about the easy supply and demand topics,

it's more!

I had two quizzes already,

I passed but holy, it's damn hard haha!

You had no idea how much efforts I had to put to get a freaking 70% for the quiz -.-

Taking this course makes me realize that

I'm not good with money.

My money management is 0.

It's kinda addictive to keep on solving the bonds, stocks and interest rates questions,

I love them, but the part of the balance sheet, I'm like...

what why?

It gave me a hard slap on my face,

you should never spend on money you don't have.

Lol.

True, I don't but I hardly allocate money on food.

Most of the time I allocate money on my books, I love buying books, 

I always have goals on how many books should I read and 

since I'm not a Netflix member, 

I tend to put aside that money to buy books.

But the semester has been pretty tough,

so I buy so many books that I haven't gotten the chance to read them.

I need to start reading!

Maybe I should include a money management book on my list.

I'm so bad at it lol.

All I need is,

the infinite amount of money to spend.

I don't ask for a rich husband, I need to have a husband that will let me spend 

hundreds of ringgits on my kinokuniya (and duck) bills.

Thanks.

Post-Election Feelings and Thoughts

If you guys followed my twitter back on 2013,

you guys would know that I was pro-BN girl.

My dad used to have a position in BN also before he had to move out of the country for work.

I love BN so much,

but over the years, since 2013,

I've witnessed non-positive things happening in Malaysia,

I'm not talking about economic issues,

nor about policies or social issues

because I haven't done my research

but I'm talking about disunity and how people are being disrespectful towards 

their own leaders.

This is unhealthy.

The moment when people have no respect for the leaders of their nation,

we know things won't be any better.

Things will get worse.

So, I thought, maybe Malaysia needed to witness some changes.

Change of government is necessary,

because you won't know what's better till you witness how both parties lead.

A party should be in the position of power and should also be the opposition, once a while.

Because one won't know how to lead till you're given the chance to lead,

and you won't know what else should be improved till you see other people's wrong move.

We didn't know how we were till we could see others are doing what we always did.

There are two sides of the coin, and there will always be different ways of viewing things.

When you see things from a different angle, you will understand things better.

Thank you, BN for serving the nation for 60 years,

now it's time for BN to improve, reflect on what should and should not be done

and come back as a better party for the next election!

All the best to Pakatan Harapan.

The rakyat is hoping for good changes,

they have their trust in you

and never let the rakyat down.

To all Malaysians,

we have learned a great deal from this election.

Power isn't everything without the support of the people.

Unity is the most important element to a peaceful, successful nation.

I hope we will be more united, despite of our religions and races

and we will be more respectful towards one another.

Lots of love,

Aliah Syahmina

Sad story: It was raining, so heavily

I had an argument with my friends,

over some petty stuff.

But I was deeply offended.

So I was being quiet the whole time,

till the last class of that day.

I walked outside the class, and it was raining.

It was raining heavily, that I couldn't see any cars parking around the compound,

just the beam lights.

I saw my grandma,

I ran to her, I was already wet.

"Mak, mintak-mintaklah tok abah dah sampai."

I told my grandma, hoping my tokabah had already arrived because it was raining.

"Kakak, tokabah kan dah takde..."

With sad eyes, she told me that my grandfather was not 'here' anymore.

It woke me up,

I was in tears.

It's 3.30am in the morning.

It's not raining, it's almost Fajr.

I was on my bed, in Montreal.

Crying over him, who was gone.

I knew the dream was a sign,

a sign that told me,

tokabah is missing me.

He came into my dream, as rain.

He was visiting me that night, to check on me,

I can feel him.

Tokabah, kakak rindu tokabah.

Kakak selalu teringatkan tokabah.

Kakak tahu tokabah tenang di sana,

tapi kadang-kadang kakak rasa macam tokabah masih ada.

Kakak still ingat semua cerita yang tokabah selalu cerita kat kakak,

dah nak puasa ni,

kakak rindu air sirap bandung yang tokabah buat.

Kakak rindu nak belikan tokabah baju raya.

Tok abah selalu pakai baju yang kakak pilihkan,

kakak selalu nangis sebab rindukan tokabah.

Tapi kakak tahu kakak taksepatutnya nangis,

sebab tokabah selalu cakap,

walaupun kakak manja, kakak kuat.

Tokabah,

nanti kakak balik, kakak visit kubur tokabah okay?

Kakak takbalik tahun ni, tahun depan kakak grad insyaAllah.

Kakak sedih, tokabah takboleh datang, tapi tokabah mesti tahukan,

kalau kakak dah grad nanti.

Tokabah mesti happy sebab cucu tokabah dah dapat degree.

Tokabah selalu pesan suruh belajar tinggi-tinggi,

kakak akan belajar betul-betul.

Dulu, setiap kali exam, tokabah mesti buat solat hajat untuk kakak,

tokabah cakap tokabah selalu doakan kakak.

Terima kasih, tokabah.

Allah mungkin makbulkan doa tokabah.

Tokabah, kakak tak sempat nak bagitahu tokabah, 

kakak dapat straight A exam semester ni, and semester lepas.

Ini hadiah untuk tokabah.

Sekarang,

kakak pulak doakan tokabah, okay?

Semoga tokabah tenang di sana.

Semoga Allah merahmati tokabah.

Kakak rindu tokabah.

I keep it personal...not?

I don't have twitter, I have Facebook, instagram, blog and youtube channel.

Too much commitment, so I decided to divide what I portray on medias into categories.

• Facebook : Events that I have to share
• Instagram feed: My photoshoots/travelling photos/book review
• Instagram story: Announcing what I posted on my feed, my general opinions that aren't too personal and what I think is relevant to be posted, more random stuff
• Youtube channel: Traveling videos and expressing serious issues (anxiety etc)
• Blog: Whatever I wanna post! I used to write journal a lot, I know I should start again somehow but these days I spend more time on my laptop, so might as well blogging, right?

If you're ever reading my blog, I hope you will not hate me. 

Because I express my thoughts, feelings on my blog and I don't expect people to ever be understanding of how I feel, but if to understand is too much to be asked, then I just hope you can keep your opinions to yourself, or on your blog lol.

But tbh, I'm writing not to let the whole world knows of my feelings, but it's just for my future self.

So much disclaimer, but I hope you understand.