Thank you, Pan

When I was 16, I always wonder if I will ever fall for someone. A friend told me that I built my walls too high, I didn't even try to let my guard down and allow people to get to know me. But I did. I think I was friendly, I am friendly. I have crushes, but I don't fall easily. I made a promise to myself that I will never say 'I love you' to someone until I'm sure he's the one. I'm glad I made that promise.

I knew Peter Pan exists when I was 14. But I only met him when I was 16, from afar. He was playing basketball and I was just on the bench, waiting for the whole tournament to end because my debate team lost. Then, I met him again when we're 17. It was on March 5 at the boarding school event for the Head Prefects and Assistant Head Prefects.  He was the Head Prefect from one of the schools. I was too. I saw him from afar, he looked exactly like I saw him a year ago. We didn't talk until we had to rearrange chairs and he was standing next to me. I had to pass a chair to him and he didn't pay attention, so I had to call his name. He was surprised, probably he thought anyone wouldn't know his name. But I've heard girls talking about him all the time at school. 

On March 6, I had to be the master of the ceremony at the event and my name was picked to deliver a public speaking on the same day. He was sitting directly in front of me, oh I noticed that. I was in group 1 and he was in group 5. At every event, his group will sit behind my group. During one of the event, one of the teachers came on the stage and asked the students if we knew her name. No one did. So she started to point out school representatives. His school got picked first, his assistant and he didn't know her name. Then, she called out my school. Neither of me and Seri, my assistant knew her full name. I only knew her first name. Coincidently, because of the group arrangement, my sitting spot was close to Pan's, while Seri and Pan's assistant were in the same group. She noticed the sitting arrangement and she made a comment on it, "Why did you sit close to each other? Is there something happening between you four?" We just shook our heads, in denial of the statement. During the break, I went to see her, apologizing for not knowing her full name. Pan came too. And then again she made a comment, "Are you sure there's nothing between you too? Or maybe I should expect a wedding invitation from you?" We laughed because it wasn't true. We barely knew each other, we barely talked. After the teacher left, we talked. That was the first conversation we had. We didn't talk after. 

The same basketball + debate tournament happened that year and this time, I didn't see him until the last day, prize giving ceremony. Our schools lined up near to each other. I saw him, in white attire, with his white cap. Who would wear cap in an indoor stadium? Anyway, my team was in the semi-finals and we were waiting for the result to know who would make it to the final. His team won the basketball tournament, he didn't win the MVP though. My team, we lost. I was sad, but I was happy for the Malay team, they made it to finals and my school's basketball team also won that year. Me and Pan, there was no victory between us. We just noticed each other's presence without talking to each other.

It was a two-week school holiday, right after the tournament. I spent the first week of holiday at home and the second week of the holiday, I had a school trip to the Philippines. He texted me in the first week of the holiday. His first text was a little awkward, just asking if I was Aliah Syahmina. The second text, he had a typo in the word awkward. The third text he was asking where I was from. In the fourth text, he asked me about the stereotypes of people from my state. In the fifth text, he dropped his first pickup line that I still remember till this day. I laughed so much because I didn't see that coming.

The whole academic year, we were texting and for the first time, I feel comfortable talking to someone about anything. We didn't talk much about personal stuff, it's mostly school stuff. It still felt different when I talked to him. We met again at an SPM program at a neighboring school. We had a three-day program, on how to score well in SPM exam. We just saw each other from afar. I had to take photos of the event, my teacher asked me to. So I went to every group and when it was his group, he was so shy to even look at the camera. But we didn't talk during the event. He texted me after the event ended. Both of us got selected for Khazanah Fast Track screening program, I only made it till the first stage. He made it until the end, but he didn't get selected. I passed to him good luck notes. He gave me a keychain from Singapore when he went for a summit over there.

When I had my SPM exam, we didn't text because I guess we wanted to study, He didn't wish me good luck on the first day, but he did on the second day. I only wished him back after he wished me. He told me he put my name in his essay, oh well that made me feel, hm significant? Haha. But in December, we didn't talk as much. So, I thought, oh well the school had ended, so did we. But in January, on my birthday, he was the first to wish me. It was the day I had an Exxon Mobile interview. I cried a bit.

We didn't text as much. Until the day we received our SPM result. He told me his result and we got the exact same result, straight As (5A+ 4A)! It was so funny.  He saw in the newspaper, a reporter interviewed me and there was a typo, in the article I received 9A+, I didn't. He thought I was lying to him just so I won't make him feel bad. But I didn't. We met again at UTP interview, I was lining up and he came to stand next to me while tieing his tie. I was so nervous about the interview and I didn't notice it was him until 5 minutes later. Little did I know, both of our parents noticed that we were talking and my dad asked my mom about him, lol. On that day, I had a gastric issue and he offered to buy me food, I didn't remember if I agreed or not. 

In April, one day we talked about random stuff, and he confessed. He had feelings for me, but he didn't wanna continue this because we're still young and he said he didn't wanna talk to me for a while because he didn't know if this is just a crush or what, like he needed space. I thought he was kidding, until the next morning I realized, he was being serious. We didn't talk for a month.

One month later, he found out that we're gonna be in the same university, but it wasn't for long, because I had to withdraw myself from that university. I received a scholarship offer from the company that sponsors me now. He texted to congratulate me, I was happy he did. But he said he's neutral now. He didn't have feelings for me and we could now be friends again. I'm glad things happen the way they are because I really value our friendship and till that day, I never told him if I ever felt the same way.

We went to different preparatory college. During the first weekend of Ramadhan that year, I couldn't go home. Being the homesick girl I always am, I cried a lot because I didn't get to eat tomyam. I didn't tell him I cried, I told him I was sad. On the same day, at midnight, he sent me a photo of him, he's already at my college and he wanted to meet me tomorrow. No tomyam, unfortunately. But he gave me chocolate and he was still shy and we just sat at the concourse area, doing our stuff with other friends around and they were so annoyed that he was acting so shy. Before the weekend ended, I gave him a novel, "Where Rainbows End" by Cecelia Ahern. There's a term in the book that perfectly described our 1-month silence situation. It was really a tug of war between the two of us. Who could keep their feelings the longest? Both are just too ego to admit there are feelings, but we played it cool. There's nothing to be declared, it was such a silent agreement that we know things will work out and we just keep it unlabelled. We've met each other's family. It's still unlabelled for a long period of time.

There are many things happening in between. I guess I shall keep that for later.

But in this post, I just wanna remember how we met and how things become serious between us. I like how things are going. It is such an interesting event, but I'm glad that it all started with us being good friends. Two good friends that can talk about anything and everything. We share secrets, dreams and hopes. We fight, we argue but we also make our time to mend what's broken. It's truly the friendship and companionship with him that I treasure most. He is always there to calm me down when I freak out, also he's always there to make me cry. He can be pretty annoying but he tries his best to make up for that. I'm feeling a bit emotional today haha. I just wanna say, thank you Pan, for being who you are, for accepting who I am and for being the bestest friend I could ever ask for. You're truly a gift from God and I will treasure this friendship forever. Yes, I will be your best friend forever till death do us apart.

(Still not saying the three words)