Happy Injury Day!

Today (Malaysia time): April 26 is the date when the twist of a fate happening between Pan and me. Oh well, I don't think I was being as detailed as I'm about to be today.

On this date, 6 years ago, we talked about random stuff, and he confessed. He had feelings for me, but he didn't wanna continue this because we're still young and he said he didn't wanna talk to me for a while because he didn't know if this is just a crush or what, like he needed space. I thought he was kidding, until the next morning I realized, he was being serious. We didn't talk for a month.

The morning when I realized that he was being serious, the day when I realized that we might not even be friends anymore, I cried. So badly. I never cried because of a guy in my entire life. He was the first that made me cry. That bad. It's funny when I think about it now. We're not even that close. Maybe I was sad because of the friendship that I lost. Or maybe I was sad because of the feeling that I had for him at that moment too.

I remember, that morning, I woke up crying, as if I just had a breakup. It wasn't even a breakup because there was not any special relationship happening between us, we're not even a couple. But maybe it was special to me, that I never thought it would be taken away from me.

I think I was being, and I still am a traditionalist, in a sense that I feel a guy should always make the first, second and third move. And he did. Maybe I never thought about how should I respond if I like someone back because all these years, before turning 18, I was avoiding love at all cost. I was not afraid, but I didn't think I could accept love from a stranger. Maybe at that moment, I realized, he wasn't a stranger to me, he's a friend. I kinda had feelings for him, but I just didn't know how to admit to that because all I knew was how to say "I'm sorry. No, I don't like you the same way. I think we should be just friends." I realized I didn't say anything about how I felt on that day.

Every year, there will be one night that Pan and I would talk about this day. What could happen if I told him, I had feelings for him too? Will things be different? Sometimes I wish I wanted to rewrite our story. Eliminate the part where my heart was broken. But it wouldn't be a great story, would it?

The funny thing was, the heart was broken, the other person didn't know he broke it, but he was the one fixing it, without him knowing that he got it fixed.

It's funny too because every year, I would remember this date. I even remember the feeling. I still could recall every single moment of it. I guess the one who's hurt felt the most pain, would remember everything. 

I thought to fall for someone, to have feelings for someone will make me a weaker person. I don't want to be seen as a weak girl, who cried over some guy. But I realized, to have feelings for someone is what makes me human. To fall for someone is what makes the world what it is today and love is such a strong feeling and cannot be denied by a human being. I realized, with him, I cannot undo the feelings, I cannot delete the memories and the feelings that I have for him are always written in CAPITAL letters. 

Every single feeling. When he's being the annoying person that he always is, it the I HATE YOU feeling. When he purposely did something just to make me go crazy, it's the I HATE YOU feeling. When he never wants to agree with me, he always wants to argue just to make me annoyed, it's still the I HATE YOU feeling.

Oh in our conversations, there's a lot of I HATE YOU, it's uncountable. But it's all the because the three words, I cannot express yet. Maybe that's just my way of saying stuff about my feelings. But most of the time, it is the I HATE YOU feelings.

My dad told me, he only has one best friend in this world. It's my mom. He will share everything and anything to her. My dad told Pan the exact same thing. Growing up, I've always wanted to find a guy who is just like my dad, or better. My dad has set the bar too high for any guy I met, but I think after 7 years, I could say Pan is almost reaching that bar. He might need to push himself a bit harder, but oh well the verdict will only be out after the marriage, right?

The most important part about today is I realized how deep I fell for Pan and how awesome does someone have to be to make me fall that deep? I'm pretty sure it's not the look, definitely not the height haha (do not be fooled when I told you he's a basketball player - he's the cutest basketball player ever, by size). It's the fact that he's an honest person, always being true to himself, he's being himself, every single time, since the very first day we met. He's genuine, he's awkward, he's playful, he's crazy, he's good at lame jokes that crack me up all the time, he's incredible! He lives a very simple life, he never overthinks, he worries less, he's happy all the time. He's like the opposite of me. I overthink, I look at life as a complex thing, I worry a lot, I'm happy but I'm always sad too. 

The only thing that makes me at least not so bad, is that I follow my gut when I feel like he's the one. I think even if it took him a year to figure things out, I would still be waiting for him. Unless if within that one year, Shawn Mendes makes a song about me. That, my friend, I will need another year to decide. Kidding. Pan, you're still daone.com.