It's 2021 and I didn't blog anything about my 2020 reflection or 2021 resolution?!
Soooooo many things are happening in January and February
but some things are meant to be kept private.
Let me start with some stuff that I can share with my readers.
This post might be a bit controversial
but I just like to make it clear
that my blog is my personal space
and I have the right to rant whatever I want
but I won't be super open to name anyone
to respect their privacy but I just have to let it out my system
for my mental health.
Before 2020 ended, I was assigned to a new job portfolio
and the job scope sounded like I was being promoted,
but I wasn't.
The effective date was in the mid of December but
there's adjustment needed so 2021 will be the official start date.
Some things are going on in my private life,
with the Covid cases still rise up in Malaysia,
let's just say I'm not in my best condition to 200% focus on
my life.
Despite having to report to a new manager,
carrying out new responsibility,
I'm given a mandate to still continue working on my old projects.
And for now, I have 4 projects on going
and maximum an executive can have on their plate,
or listed on KPI are 5.
That hasn't included my new portfolio KPI.
Again, I wasn't being promoted,
I just have to juggle my time carrying out two portfolios
at a time.
My old portfolios, are fine.
The projects are moving and they're pretty hectic,
and we are short of team members,
so everyone gotta do their part
and have to double our effort.
My new portfolio,
is a completely new unit being established
to fulfill business goal but there's a lack of aspiration
on where this thing is going.
Lack of aspiration, guidance and most of the time
we have to do out-of-scope work
and it's all ad-hoc
and yet the KPIs haven't been finalized yet.
I've been going back and forth asking
for me to go back to doing my old portfolio only
because it didn't make sense to put me in a situation
where there's a lack of guidance and
I have to do everything on my own,
and I just feel like it's unfair because
of the situation that I'm placed in.
The stress level is rising daily
because of the uncertainties of
where is this unit going
and mostly because of the out-of-scope works
that I am/will be assigned to do over a short period of time.
The new manager that I'm reporting to is leaving soon
and that leaves me alone in a unit that shall carry out
a huge task. Again, no aspiration what so ever because it's fairly new.
What upsets and disappoints me the most,
sometimes they expect me to come up with
things that are beyond my pay-grade.
I hate talking about pay-grade,
I hate talking about what a company should give me.
I hate it. Because I'm constantly telling myself
that I shall be grateful for still having a job.
Because many of that I know of, are struggling in this pandemic.
I hate comparing my work with money,
I feel like it's so shallow of me to even bring this topic up.
But while I'm struggling, stressing out over my work,
some people are paid 10 times higher than me,
and decide to give the job that they should be doing,
but fail to do so.
But who am I to judge?
Who am I to complain, right?
Because I'm just a newbie here.
But exactly, I'm a newbie
and guidance is what I need.
Not an unclear order, not a "you just have to google this on the net" statement.
I've been writing a long ass email,
explaining in a polite and professional
manner, about my situation
and because of my situation that is pretty bad,
my doctor has constantly reminded me to avoid unnecessary stress,
to avoid stressful scenario at all cause because
I can pass-out anytime
and medically, I'm not fit to handle this situation.
Having to see a doctor once biweekly shows that
my health is at risk, but the response I got when I explained my situation
was a joke.
A silly joke that they think it's funny to talk about in a meeting.
That disappoints me even more.
There you go.
It's out of my system.
Despite all of the things happening,
although it's like a constant battle to face lower EQ group of people
on daily basis,
I'm still grateful to having a strong support system.
When all of these happen,
I'm thankful that I have a husband at home
that can listen to my rant,
my parents, my siblings,
my in-laws and my supportive old team that want nothing but the best for me.
I don't have a choice but to stay
in this company,
I wish things will get better.
And I'm sooo glad that
despite all the dramas that I need to face,
I haven't shed a tear for the loaf of bread that are definitely not worth my tears.
Please pray for my health,
so I will recover soon.
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