I was dying yesterday

It was a bit of exaggerating but it was entirely true.

Yesterday, my family and I (hold on, this sounded so much like a school essay lol)

went to the Tips of Borneo. It was 3 hours away from Kota Kinabalu.

Sabah has no North-South highway unlike in the West Malaysia,

so the roads were all bumpy and it almost felt like a roller coaster ride.

When we reached there, I was excited to see the northern-most tip of Borneo,

where two big oceans meet, South China Sea and Sulu Sea.

On our way there, it was raining. As we reached there, the weather was perfect.

We had to get down the cliff, which was

very steep, almost a 90 degree cliff and was a bit slippery too.

It was on the first day of Ramadhan and the temperature was 40degreeC.

Yeap, it was very hot.

Everything was fine.

We took pictures, enjoyed the view.

It was nearly 4pm, so we decided to go to the nearest beach,

since we already brought our swimming suits.

So we needed to hike up the cliff to go back to our car.

I was the last to hike, because I wanted to take pictures of the rest of my family hiking.

But as I wanted to hike up,

I felt so weak. 

I always feel my heart beating, but yesterday,

it was beating weakly.

I just couldn't hike anymore.

My dad pulled me up, I forced myself to continue hiking because

it would definitely be a trouble if I didn't.

I reached the top. 

Everything was black.

I couldn't see.

My knees were shaking.

I was panic,

I rubbed my eyes, forcing them to see,

it was all blurry.

My heart was crying, but at the same I was happy.

I felt the ending was so near to me,

I felt it by heart.

I was sad to leave behind everyone I love,

but I was happy to leave when everyone I love was around me.

I was happy to leave because it's Ramadhan.

My dad didn't stop reciting Quran verses to me,

he removed my shoes, my socks.

He asked me to continue selawat.

I did so.

I recited every possible ayat that I could think of,

and but at one point, I felt scared.

Is my taubah enough, is my amal enough to leave this world?

Will my sins hold me back from entering Jannah?

I was scared,

I strengthened my heart,

I told myself,

I have to be strong.

My dad carried me back to the car,

it was a hilly walk,

he struggled,

who wont?

He had to carry a 37-kg girl up the hill,

when his weight was only 59kg.

I told him to stop whenever he wanted,

because I didn't want to burden him

but he insisted to continue carrying me.

We stopped at a gazebo up the hill

and I told him I could walk,

but I was wrong because everything was still so blurry.

I could see everyone's face now,

I wanted to cry so badly but if I did,

I would make them more worried,

so I didn't.

I lied down, cause I couldn't stand anymore.

I had to break my fast,

I drank water

and I didn't feel better.

I needed my toilet break,

I felt so nausea.

We rushed back and stopped by at Kudat small town.

My parents bought some kuihs and biscuits for me,

I did vomit thrice along our way home.

My first day of fasting went wrong, but I'm glad it happened

when I had my strongest support system around.

Life is short,

the end is near.

In this month of forgiveness,

I'm here to repent.

I'm sorry for all my mistake,

I too, forgive everyone that has intentionally/unintentionally hurt me.

I'm thankful for my family,

I won't trade eternity and the world for them :)

Thank you mama, ayah <3

Love you too bits.

I HAVE A NEW BLOG!

I have flickr account which I don't know how to use that well,

I have instagram account that I have received personal attack for posting too much pictures but I still do so cause that's my instagram anyway, and there''s always the 'unfollow' button or 

you can even block me if I annoy you that much, lol.

(Dah banyak kali dah kena block ni :P)

Anyway,

so I decided to have another blog just for the photos

that I took.

http://bythepetitemalaygirl.blogspot.ca/

EXAM'S OVER!

Exam was over 3 days ago and I was so excited about it to end!

My last final exam was on Friday (ie the last day of all McGill exams) and it ended at 5pm.

You have no idea how tired I was, the struggle was real!

I had my first exam, Circuit 2 on the first day of exams, and I ended on the last day of exams,

like whoaaa!

But Alhamdulillah I had more gaps in between which meant I could study more!

This semester changed me as a person.

I didn't skip classes except when I was severely ill.

I went to meet prof after the class or during the office hour every week.

I changed, a lot.

It's true that failure could change someone,

the pain of failure hurts me so much,

but to see disappointment in my parents' eyes is the worst feeling ever.

Everything I do,

I do it for Allah SWT and my parents,

everything has nothing to do with me.

I even pasted this on my wall;

"MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD"

They're so important to me,

and my eyes are teary now, don't cry, Aliah.

So, before my last exam,

we got our circuit grade

and the average was C,

all the people I know in my class, no one got an A

and some failed.

Tbh, I admit it that I thought I've worked hard enough for this course.

I swear the Prof was tired of seeing my face every Tuesday and Thursday.

Sometimes, I had stupid questions to ask her, I would make it to her office hour because

she would help me.

With all my efforts, she questioned me once, why did I score a bad grade in the quizzes?

So we had biweekly quizzes, so 6 quizzes in total and my marks

were decreasing exponentially.

From full mark to a 30%.

So per quiz, it worth 4% of the whole grade.

But I was still above the average marks so I didn't feel as bad.

But her question hit my chest like ugh so badly.

So I studied so hard for her finals,

I know I would never fully understand circuit if I were to study alone,

so I studied with Nusaiba.

MasyaAllah, she's the kindest, funniest person ever.

We studied together the whole semester and she's my lab partner for circuit

and alhamdulillah our lab grades were 90% and above all the time.

She knew how bad my previous semester was,

so she pushed me to study well this semester.

Anyway,

when I got to know the result was out,

me being me, 

I was so scared to check, 

plus I had another exam after, so I really didn't wanna 

ruin my study mood.

I didn't check.

After the last exam,

I went home to pray and left my bag behind

and went to a BBQ event by the MSA,

then I met a friend of mine

and he was sad for his grade.

I felt bad.

I felt like crying, cause I cannot see sad people.

I don't know how to console them.

The hardest part of all,

he told me that the prof told him

that I did okay in the final.

You know, it just made yourself harder to console someone

cause we all have been in the situation where

someone who did better than you in a competition

and came to you and said "it's okay, you've done your best"

and you feel like replying to that person "oh it's easy for you to say cause you nailed it"

but you just smiled....

So I felt guiltier. 

I changed the topic, talked about other stuff and yeah...

let the conversation die....

And today, another friend of mine,

she met the prof while working on her research internship with the university.

The circuit prof.

So she's saying some people did really well in final even they did bad in the quiz,

for example, Aliah.

I'm like, what........

1. Define "really well"

2. Why why why do not give me hope when there's no chance

Was she saying that just because I was nice to her? Why why?

I'm confused...

Then, my friend made me check my grade.

I'm like noooooooo

(But I've promised myself to check my result today

so I did)

Yes, I did.

As I'm writing this,

I'm writing in tears, in fears.

Oh Allah,

I seek forgiveness from you.

Maybe I've asked You so much,

but You're the Eternal Refuge,

I can ask anything from You

and You will grant my wishes

at the right time, for the best reasons.

Oh Allah,

please grant this wish of mine.

I just need one more chance.

When you google your name...

Ey! I'm not the only one who would randomly google my name, right?

Vivy Yusof does that too!

So, I googled my name : Aliah Nazamusa and Aliah Nazarudin

and wanted to see what images would be shown.

Cause you know,

Google can be your friend, and your worst enemy at times.

But today,

Google got me teared up a little bit,

*need a box of tissues please*

cause it led me to my friends' blogs.

Yessss, my friends used to blog a lot during our high school years

and I went through every single of them.

My old blog is totally of a different genre than this new one,

I used to sound so emotional, like the 90s emo kids,

I used to blog about this heartbroken that wasn't really heartbreaking enough

cause I just sounded so dramatic, well, I'm still a drama queen but before I was

the Queen, get it?

My friends' blogs were all about high school memories,

sleepovers that I was invited but I didn't join because of 

geographical factor lol.

And Hannah's post led me to this post of mine :

my 2011 dreams

OMG!

I didn't remember writing this post at all!

Oh yeah, I did sound very-very-very optimistic too,

cause I knew nothing about reality, lol.

Tbh, it's good to have dreams, big dreams.

As cliche as it sounds,

we just have to shoot for the moon,

even if you misses it you will land among the stars.

(Oh well, stars are further than moon but let's not argue about that)

I dream big.

And some would tell me my dreams are impossible.

I know,

they're impossible if I don't put enough effort to reach them.

Even though nowadays the reality slaps me real hard,

I still have dreams.

I realized not all my dreams came true,

I dreamed on going to Oxford in 2011,

but late 2012 I wished to study in Texas A&M

but Allah plans something more for me,

2013 I got scholarship and got to pursue my study in McGill University, Canada.

(Apparently, it's one of the top unis here, they call it Harvard of Canada)

I didn't know McGill was that good,

 but it's as good as Oxford and Texas A&M

and God places me here

because He knows maybe I can adapt here better.

When Allah takes away something from you,

it's because He will replace it with something better.

Final exam is in 10 days,

pray for me.

I will tell you more things that happen to me later!

As for now,

keep dreaming,

keep striving.

May Allah guide us all!