Will I ever be successful?
What are the things I need to achieve to be successful?
I'm clueless, I'm lost.
I have no direction in life.
One day, I know what I wanna be,
on another day, I doubt my ability to even think of achieving it.
Yeap, I'm no longer the ambitious me.
Azura, if you're ever reading this,
please know that I miss you
and I kinda need to talk to you.
I think I'm just lonely,
I know I'm not alone,
I'm just freaking lonely,
I just need to meet familiar faces!
I just wanna go home and hug my parents
and I need someone to tell me,
"Aliah you've done well. So well. We're proud of you."
Some juniors from high school personal messaged me on instagram,
they told me how they really wanted to meet me,
because of the stories they heard about me from teachers in school etc.
Did I feel good about it? No.
Well, at least I knew I had done good things in school.
But I didn't feel proud...?
I felt,
was I as good as what they talked about?
Had I ever reached those expectations?
Cause I felt like sometimes,
your life story isn't about the story you tell people,
it's about what people tell about you.
But I don't feel it.
I don't feel empowered, I don't feel great.
I feel insecurities.
I feel like I'll never be good enough.
This morning I had a lab demo,
and the TA asked us about three criteria of a synchronous machine,
and I answered two out of three of them,
leaving the other group members in shocked,
because I was the only girl in the group and I knew most of the answers.
But every time I answered them,
I would hide,
I didn't say my answer with full of confidence,
not because I didn't know what I was saying,
but it's because I was not feeling good about me.
I felt stupid, I felt that I need to know more about stuff,
I have very limited knowledge.
I felt terrible.
I felt like I'm never good enough.
Maybe it's just me,
overthinking about this reality.
Maybe my definition of success is way beyond what the meaning of success should be.
Or maybe,
we define our own success,
and I just haven't defined mine.
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