The Tired Me

People always question me,

how do I have so much time to do things that I want

when I have so many things to handle?

Engineering is a demanding degree.

I am in the 1st year

but I am already struggling.

All of the outings, dancing,

the fun stuff that I did,

were just to add some flavors to my life.

Because if I only focused on my study,

I would not be a human, but a robot.

I don't like that.

I do agree that we all have to focus on our study.

 We have to focus when we have to focus.

I am just writing this 

as a reflection on what I have done throughout the entire semester.

I have in total of 5 essays to submit,

each requires 2000 words.

I have a research paper and a

business proposal to write

and I have to present my business proposal.

I also have quizzes every week, 

Math quiz every month

and midterms and tests.

This semester is really tiring for me.

I haven't started studying for my final,

which will be held next week.

I don't procrastinate,

I follow my schedule accordingly

and all of the homeworks I send 3 days before the due date.

I put so much pressure on myself,

but I feel satisfied every time I crossed them out of my list.

The only online movie I watched this semester is 

Hasse Toh Passe

and the two cinema movies that I watched were

Kapoor & Sons

and 

Zootopia.

I have netflix account but I don't use them,

I found them a waste,

but whatever.

I just don't have time to do all of that.

I am not into movies as you can see,

but I do something else for my guily pleasure.

I am very tight on budget,

so I only eat vegatables and rice.

And fish sometimes.

When I feel so stressful,

I go buy gifts for my family.

I feel guilty every time I spend on myself,

that's why I hardly have fancy food,

or buy myself something nice to wear.

Every time I feel like I need to buy

something for me,

like phone or whatever,

I will always contemplate.

I should have bought a nice bag for my mum

or nice hoodies for my sisters, nice cap for my brother or watch for my dad.

I don't spend my money on make up because

I know I don't deserve to use my money on myself.

I always feel like my money shouldn't be spent on me.

Everytime I did,

I feel like I should return the stuff back 

and refund.

Because I think I haven't achieved much enough in life.

I don't have anything that I can be proud of.

I haven't achieved the GPA that my parents want me to achieve,

I haven't proved my worth.

I used to be the one who would set personal goals on

things I was involved in.

But I lost the person.

As I am writing all of these,

my heart is aching.

I feel sick,

I am not physically sick,

but spiritually sick.

At one time I feel like I am not good enough,

at some other time,

I feel like I am not good enough for others.

I feel weak.

Indeed,

I am lost.

I just don't have the direction in life anymore.

I have a very low self-esteem.

I really want finals to end,

so I can go somewhere I want.

I wanna go home.

I wanna hug my parents

because I miss doing that.

I am crying now.

I should stop writing.

I am done.