She met this guy, but he's not the one

The past six months, my life has been occupied with #fattzura love stories that lead to me reading more about them and #lofattah and all the dramas that involved in between. 

This is obviously not me telling you guys about the gossip and my stance in the whole conflicts but I learn something from their stories.

I realized that there's a reason behind me meeting everyone I meet in this life, be it for good reasons or for bad ones. I don't necessarily think that bad reasons will always be bad, maybe they'll be lessons that can make me a better person.

In life, you realize that there's a role in someone you meet.

Some will test you, some will use you, some will love you and some will teach you.

But the ones who are truly important are the ones who bring out the best in you.

Sometimes, you need them to change your life, 

and sometimes you are the one that will change theirs.

We can plan everything, but Allah is the Greatest Planner.

Thus, when heartbreaks happen, when you're broken to pieces and when you give up on starting something new in life; do know that those who hurt you and walk away from you also shape you to be the person you are today. Their absence might be a blessing one day because, without their absence, you will never open doors to meet someone better in your life, someone who will bring joy into your life, someone that will create more wonderful memories with you.

Have you ever met someone and you felt connected to that person, 

like your souls truly understand each other,

like your brains, are connected, 

and you don't need the right words to make them understand what you're trying to say?

That "Me too!" moment is always the spark that starts a friendship,

but "I'm always here for you" is that one thing that keeps the friendship.

I don't mind if someone who hasn't spoken to me for years, suddenly slides into my dm and asks me for help. I would help her/him as much as I could. Pan calls me "the wishing tree", I'm not God because I don't grant people's wishes. But I'm happy to be your go-to girl. And I never expect anything in return, because that's not how kindness works. I'm trying to be kind, I want to be kind and kindness is always my life virtue. But they told me not to be too kind, it hurts. Well, it hurts but the pain is only temporary. Being kind to everyone doesn't make you any richer, but it definitely makes you happier.

Also, being kind will make you become someone's constant.

Not everyone you help will remember your deeds, but at least someone who truly appreciates you will. He/She will be your constant, just like you become his/her constant.

I always want to be someone's constant, 

I guess I've found my constant in life.

People come and people go, and people are gonna come some more.

They pick a fight but it's alright.

They act like variables in life, manipulated variables.

When you found the constant variables in life, the manipulated ones shouldn't matter as much.

You just have to adjust those manipulated variables accordingly so you'll get the responding variables (results) that you want.

Your hypothesis can be wrong because an assumption is not always correct. 

But the conclusion (read: lesson) is important to guide you through your life.

You may think he's the one, but it turns out he's not.

You may never think that you would be his friend, but it turns out he stays in your life forever.

Life is unpredictable, so is love.

We don't meet people by accident, 

everyone is meant to cross path for reasons!

Fazura, too had her hard times in love life before, she almost gave up, but she found the one.

Love takes time, requires a lot of patience and when the right time comes, you will find the right person in your life, for the best reason.

You just have to pray for that moment.

We all have to :)

On a scale 1 to 10...

Time difference sucks but this holiday I spent my nights

talking to people I love and I usually slept at 5am just to talk to them.

There's a particular conversation that I had with Pan asking him to rate himself based on look,

on a scale 1 to 10.

With confidence, he replied;

"Among my friends, I rate myself an 8. But among celebrities and models, I rate myself a 7."

Oh wow, that level of confidence haha!

He didn't ask me the question back, how rude, but I still answered it lol.

"Among my friends, I rate myself a 6. But among celebrities and models, I rate myself a 3."

He was so shocked, he thought I was being too modest

but I told him, I answered it out of honesty, especially when I scroll my instagram, my self-esteem just drops so much!

I showed a few instagram photos to him and some girls that I think look so pretty, he said they're moderate. I did this whole process with my other friends and family members before too and everyone doesn't give me the same answer!!!

This makes me realize that how you see yourself can be different than how others would see you.

Person A might think you're pretty, Person B might think you're moderate and Person C might wish he will never see you again.

How others see you is not important, but how you see yourself matters!

Your self-acceptance plays an important role in how you treat yourself.

Some days, I woke up feeling pretty but most of the days, I woke up feeling ugly haha!

But I guess I define my look based on what I see in social media and the society's definition of pretty.

But I will not lie, in my honest opinion, 

never for a second, I feel like being someone else.

I always feel like myself,

I'm feeling myself, I-I-I'm feeling myself~

That's one thing that I'm proud of me hehe

On days I feel like putting makeup on, I seriously never think of impressing anyone,

not even Pan, I swear haha! I always wanna look good in my eyes

even though they say you see yourself in the mirror as 30% prettier than you actually look to others..... 

Then, there's small, evil, hatred voice saying,

"Alamak but you still post your selfie on instagram.."

Oh well, that's my instagram, I have all the rights to post whatever I feel like posting. 

I don't ask for you to look at it, nor like it, nor to follow me, to begin with.

And I never ever feel like I hate someone just because of what she/he posts on ig.

#nojudgmentunlessyoujudgeme

#sorrynotsorry

Point is,

what matters most is how you see yourself.

And have a beautiful heart, that's very important, 

you don't have to justify yourself on everything you do,

as long as you have good intentions and 

you know Allah will love you for that,

then keep on doing those things. 

You do you!

As for now,

on a scale 1 to 10,

I rate myself an 8. 

Because I'm being myself and don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not!

Not a 10, because there's still room for improvement.

Okie that's all from me!

I'm gonna have another long semester coming, wish me luck!

ps, I posted a poll on ig asking between me and Pan, who's the better half.

I won the poll but that's not me winning the bet because 

Pan thought I'm the better half, I thought he's the better half.

But at one moment the poll result was this:

And this is the perfect way to describe us,

we complete each other

*pukes*

When a boy broke my heart

It's been 6 years since this thing happened, and I've told Pan about this story too, my friends and I just discussed this topic too, so I guess it's worth writing about it. 

High school may be a platform for you to meet new people, mingle around, have a crush and I know many people who end up marrying their high school sweethearts. 

Do not judge me please because it took me 6 years to finally talk about this on my blog haha!

When I was 14, I kinda met a guy that I felt interested in, he's funny so I kinda felt connected in some ways. So, we became friends, for two years but there's no intention on my side to be his girlfriend or whatever because I vowed to myself that I wanted to stay single till I reached 18. I didn't break that vow, fuh, but there're stories in between that led to our discussion for today haha!

So when you felt connected to someone, you obviously felt at ease talking to him, right? 

But in high school, I didn't bring cellphone back then so the only time that we would keep in touch was during school holidays. But I didn't know what went wrong, the friendship started to fade away when I turned 16 and when we bumped into each other, both acted like strangers and I was being ego too cause to me a girl shouldn't start the conversation first, which is not true. But well, things happened but in the middle of the year, I found out that he had a girlfriend and tbh I was kinda pissed off because 1. he pretended that we never became friends 2. he should just tell me about the girl, so I would know where I stand and he shouldn't just leave me hanging.

I didn't cry about it, I was just mostly pissed. But luckily there's no confession going on, so it was not really a big heart-broken event but okay, I was a bit disappointed.

Then, I tried getting to know other people, but no one could impress me like he did because he's really funny haha. I was also involved in a situation where misunderstandings happened and people accused me to be the third person and I never like that label so I really I walked away and distanced myself from it so all good.

Some guys confessed their feelings and I didn't wanna be rude but they could really be good friends so we stayed friends but I'm never good at keeping a friendship, cause sometimes I just didn't keep in touch with people, so it's totally my fault.

There's also a point where I wanted to be nice, but I knew I was making a wrong decision of being nice because, in the end, I hurt another party so badly and I truly felt sorry for that.

I was not a confused girl, I totally knew what I wanted, 

I wanted and still, want, the first relationship that I'll ever be in 

will be the one and only relationship that I want to be in, in my entire life.

I never said the word "I love you" to any boy in my life because it's so precious to me.

When people asked me what qualities in guy that I'm looking for,

my answer would sound very cliche, but all I want is a guy who could accept me and my family

and I want a guy that my family could accept.

When a guy asked me out, I asked him to seek permission from my dad

and none could fulfill that, except for Pan.

(I'm feeling a bit emotional that I kinda cry writing this haha)

I knew of Pan when I was 14, I saw his face at a basketball tournament when I was 16, we finally talked when we're 17 and he texted me 3 months after we spoke and the connection that I felt with him was totally different. He had this vibe that allowed me to open up to him about everything. He's a great listener and I fall for him since the day we spoke. He never showed that he's interested in being more than just friends, I didn't either cause I still felt like the guy should make the first move haha. We shared problems about academic stuff, school stuff and he's the headboy of his school, so we kinda understood each other's problems more but during high school, no one knew that we kept in touch. 

But the same old story, he left me hanging as the SPM days approached. 

I kinda felt immune to being left hanging but deep in my heart, I was curious but needed to stay calm because it's SPM for God's sake and I needed to ace this exam!

When you talked to someone every day and suddenly he went missing without telling you why you felt clueless and confused.

But I guess I was too attached to this feeling which I knew can be harmful, 

and so I cried about it. I felt so stupid because I never cried over a guy, and his sudden disappearance really broke my heart.

So I prayed istikharah, asking help from Allah.

Alhamdullilah, I recovered from this heartbreak easily.

When I think about it again, I didn't even know why did I feel so heartbroken before because again, there's no attachment or whatever, we didn't confess about our feelings, literally, we're just friends haha! But I guess that's why you call 'crush' ugh so stupid hahaha I'm sorry for being such an emo 17-year-old tumblr kid. Anyway, back to my story..

The next time he contacted was on my 18th birthday, which I never knew he would remember and the fact that he's not a facebook kid, I'm pretty sure he remembered my birthday by heart. And so, I cried again because I was so touched as he's the first person to wish me.

When the SPM result was released, he contacted me again asking for my result, then he approached me during UTP interview and he was being super caring on that day because I had terrible stomachache (gastric issue) and my parents knew that he took care of me on that day and he's the only guy that I've ever mentioned about to my dad.

One night, we decided to talk about this whole situation and that night he broke my heart even more.

So he confessed to me about his feelings but he said he's not ready to be in a relationship, thus he wanted to distance himself from me, and we should not contact each other till he felt like contacting me back, which was totally unfair to me.

So I cried the whole week about it haha! Mostly because I knew he too felt the connection, but what made me even sadder was I just lost a person that I could easily open up too, I lost a good listener and I lost an amazing friend. But I respected his choice, so we didn't speak for a month, we called it injury moment haha.

The next month, he texted me, congratulated me on my scholarship and Ministry of Education award and we didn't stop talking since then.

In July, he surprised me by visiting me in college and we spoke about what had happened and we decided to open a new chapter and we both give chance to each other, to get to know each other and 4 years later, we're still stuck in each other's life!

From a minor heartbreak to some dramas in between, to a major heartbreak,

I would proudly announce that the boy who broke my heart is Pan

and I gave him chance to fix it and he did, he does.

Lessons that I learned from this whole story:

1. A boy can never break your heart unless you allow him to. 

2. Do not be too attached to uncertainties. 

Relationships with human beings are very uncertain, today he might love you with all his heart, tomorrow he might fall for someone else. It's human's heart that we're dealing with and we never know what's in someone's heart.

3. Always know that everything happens for reasons. If I didn't face the minor heartbreak, I might not be strong during my SPM days to face the major heartbreak, at least my heart had gotten used to it haha.

4. Let go and let God. 

How to move on from a major heartbreak? Pray. 

Allah will mend your broken heart, fast enough, faster than you could ever imagine.

5. Be patient in waiting for your Mr. Right. All the waitings, dramas and heartbreaks will be worth it once you found the right person.

6. Trust your gut and instinct. 

My instinct told me, to still wait for him even after the injury moment.

7. Open up, speak up about your feelings when you have the chance to do so.

He didn't know that he hurt me so much until I told him about it.

8. Even if you think he's your Mr. Right, you still cannot predict the future, again back to Lesson 2. 

9. Appreciate what you have now before they become things you once had.

10. The map to a woman's heart is to always listen and the map to a man's heart is to always give him the space he needs.

11. Every love story is unique, you will determine whether it'll be a beautiful one or a horrible nightmare.

I don't really know how everyone could relate to my story,

but all I'm trying to say is, 

things happen for reasons,

heartbreaks, breakups, unnecessary dramas, confused state of mind;

but you decide how these things should impact your life.

Great things do not come easily, but they surely worth the wait.

My plans can go wrong!

I'm obsessed with planning. I have to plan everything minimum 6 months before the event. 

Because I'm too attached to this principle;

"if you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

I love planning, I love seeing things in order,

I love it when everything works perfectly like how I plan it to be.

But I guess this part of me can be harmful and it can eat my soul slowly.

Because humans can only plan, 

the results are never 100% determined by what I've planned.

God decides and He will decide what's best for me and what's not.

Because as most people would know and I'm writing this to remind myself,

that what I think is good for me, might be bad for me and what's bad for me, might be good for me.

I guess January is the month when everyone feels refreshed,

renewed and it's a really good way to start a new journey.

But as for me, January will never be just another beginning of the year;

it's the month when I will turn 1 year older,

I will expect myself to be a year wiser and hopefully become a better version of myself.

I plan, but I need to remind myself that Allah is the best planner.

Therefore, in this post,

I want to reflect on things that did not happen according to my plan,

but they turned out to be the best things that have happened in my life.

(Disclaimer: This is not a post where I want to boast about my achievements and what not, I just simply want to reflect on Allah's best plans for me 

and I hope you can reflect on your life events as well)

1. I planned on going to TKC for high school, but I was chosen to be part of the SSP family and SSP was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. I learned important values that made me the person I am today, I gotta meet my wonderful best friends that become ones of my strongest pillars.

2. I planned on devoting all my high school time on my debate team but during my final year in high school, I had to carry another big responsibility, ie to become the headgirl of the school and I didn't see that coming tbh, but becoming the headgirl had opened windows of opportunities for me in many aspects. Even though my debating team couldn't make it to the final of national debate competition, I gotta achieve other things during my high school days:

i. I could bring a small impact, a small legacy to the school before I left my school.

ii. I got to make my family cried during my graduation speech (MSK)

iii. Alhamdulillah, I was awarded Malaysia’s Best Student Award by the Ministry of Education Malaysia (MoE) for overall excellence in curricular and co-curricular activities

iv. Hence being offered a few scholarships to pursue my degree abroad and I chose YTN, which I never regret my life decision

iv. I gotta meet Pan hehe

3.  I planned on studying at Oxford University but I got into McGill University which is also one of the world's top universities (even though not as well-known) and it's the best university in Canada (the Harvard of Canada).

4. I planned on having Petroleum Engineering degree but God knows that Chemistry is not my niche and I'm thankful that I'm in Electrical Engineering, even though I don't exactly have a great time but at least the pain is tolerable.

5. I planned on having my last Summer internship in KL, but I was placed in Melaka instead but subhanaAllah I'm so grateful for that opportunity because I gotta spend my time with my grandparents and gotta listen to their stories especially now that TokAbah was diagnosed with blood cancer and he could barely speak because he just feels very weak every time, yeah, I'm really thankful for that.

6. I planned on studying in a university where I can be roomies with my high school best friends or my sister but today, I'm living with people I had never known before I reached Montreal and it's a sign for me to widen my networking and get to know more people and not stuck in the same circle of friends.

7. I planned on being a lab partner with someone I know in my engineering design project (the robot project) but working with someone you know doesn't necessarily help you grow because you'd be caught up in your comfort zone, so Allah partnered me up with a stranger and we became 2nd in the competition!

8. I planned on studying in the same country with the love of my life but Allah has placed us in two different universities, two different countries because being too close to someone you love (that's not halal for you) will be dangerous and inclined to a haram relationship.

9. I planned on going to South America during my current winter break but the ticket was so expensive but it's a sign from God that I should start saving my money and maybe He has planned a bigger and better vacation for me soon.

Those are a few examples that I could think of right now but really, everything that happens in my life, on daily basis, I would always reflect on it, and remind myself that Allah is the Greatest Planner, and He knows what's best for me, no matter how hard I plan on something.

Then again, there's nothing wrong with planning, I'm still that girl who dreams big, plan hard but now, I think I'm also becoming the girl who realizes that I'm not in control of my fate and my future. I can do my very best in everything I want to do in my life, but God has a better plan for everything, so I have to trust Him.

Tonight, I'm just connecting the dots on who I am now, where I came from and why does all of these happen to me today. My fate has been written even before my existence in this world.

When my plan doesn't go well, I should learn from it and know that something better is coming.

Good things will come to those who work for them and wait patiently for them.

Love,

Aliah.

2017, in a nutshell.

It's amazing how every year has its own stories and highlights.

When I look back to all my 21 years of living, well obviously I don't remember them all but I surely remember the highlights of those years, they're all very different that each other!

As most people already know, if you're following me on instagram, 

this winter break, I'm just chilling at home, I don't go traveling elsewhere

because 

1. financial status

2. Fall semester has been eating my soul, my energy was draining, I just need to slow down

and reflect on my life.

Alhamdulillah, I got the chance to do so.

This is the highlight of my 2017

1. I celebrated New Year in Mexico!! I repeat, Mexico!!

I never thought I would travel to Mexico, it's definitely not in my bucketlist but it gave me such a remarkable memory <3

2. I was terribly sick during my birthday, but my roomies and Sofia suprised me on that day! I never thought surprise birthday thingy can still be a thing when I'm in Canada.

3. My dream to go to Iceland came true! Iceland is not a country, it's a whole different planet that I truly appreciate! I need to come back to this country and do a remake on Gerua song!

4. I ate Lobster! The first time I had lobster was at Le Captain's Boil and it was very disappointing! But the next time I had it when I was in Sabah and I loved it! But I suffered from severe sinus for the whole three months tho hahaha!

5. I realized that university is not just about having good grades, but about having good connection with the professors too, so I started networking with all my professors and attending most of the office hours. I didn't escape classes on purpose, I only skipped class when I was in terrible pain.

6. Interning with TNB. It's a mandatory internship that all scholars need to attend, but I have fun because I met two beautiful souls, tera and nina.

I also got to bond with my gandparents cause they sent me and picked me up from work everyday hehe #spoiltgranddaughter

7. I lived in Sabah for 3 months! I never thought my family would end up living in the Borneo. It's completely not in my plan but Sabah is incredible beautiful!

8. My cousin got engaged and got married in the same year and I cried about it because my childhood best friend is becoming an adult now and mostly because I'm next! It's so soon! slow down, man!

9. This year was the first year my baju raya I purchased that's by a famous Malaysian designer, Jovian Mendagie.

I never thought I would ever wear something from a designer but due to incredible discounts hahaha I got to treat me and my mom one of his collections!

10.  I tried different kind food, I'm not a foodie, so for me to actually try new food; it's an achievement!

11. I lost an important person in my life, my maternal grandpa, Atok. You will be missed, Atok.

12. My paternal grandpa, TokAbah was diagnosed with blood cancer and he's struggling to survive now, please make dua for him.

13. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and slowly recovering from it, as I'm detaching myself from unnecessary stress and I hope I will get better.

14. On top of all the stressful events throughout the semester, my robot team came 2nd in the engineering design competition! #proudmoment

15. Aanika and I performed three times at McGill events this year : 

-Southeast Asian Night

-Beyond Me Gala Night

-Diwali Calebration by MASSA

16. I'm so so so grateful that despite all the challenges I face this semester, I got all As for all my courses (1 course is still pending but the carry mark is good, hoping for another A). I can't believe I could make it cause they're all super tough engineering courses but Allah helps me this time and He helps me all the time, ALHAMDULILLAH!

17. I spoke about my anxiety issues and I received so many feedback about it, all of them were very supportive and I just found out that many people out there struggle with the same issues and i'm glad that my video could help them in some ways.

18. My best friends, Edda and Amirah visited me in Montreal!

19. I kept in touch with my best friends more than I ever did and I'm glad to be there whenever they need me and I'm so grateful for this friendship!

20. I bonded more with my roomies this year and now I realized we only have 1 year and half to treasure the roomies' moment together it really broke my heart, I'm gonna miss Montreal, for sure!

21. My family bond is getting stronger by days, it's true when they say life challenge will either bring people together or bring them apart; I'm glad it brings us together!

22. One of the most important person in my life, Pan, decides to create a more remarkable memory with me next year and 2017 is the year when we plan everything. Hint hint: not a wedding. I'm glad that he will eventually fulfill his promise even it will take him 2 years to do that. Yes, that's always his time limit. Thank you for staying in my life, and yes, you're stuck with me forever!

May 2018 be another incredible year, wishing everyone a wonderful year ahead!