When a boy broke my heart

It's been 6 years since this thing happened, and I've told Pan about this story too, my friends and I just discussed this topic too, so I guess it's worth writing about it. 

High school may be a platform for you to meet new people, mingle around, have a crush and I know many people who end up marrying their high school sweethearts. 

Do not judge me please because it took me 6 years to finally talk about this on my blog haha!

When I was 14, I kinda met a guy that I felt interested in, he's funny so I kinda felt connected in some ways. So, we became friends, for two years but there's no intention on my side to be his girlfriend or whatever because I vowed to myself that I wanted to stay single till I reached 18. I didn't break that vow, fuh, but there're stories in between that led to our discussion for today haha!

So when you felt connected to someone, you obviously felt at ease talking to him, right? 

But in high school, I didn't bring cellphone back then so the only time that we would keep in touch was during school holidays. But I didn't know what went wrong, the friendship started to fade away when I turned 16 and when we bumped into each other, both acted like strangers and I was being ego too cause to me a girl shouldn't start the conversation first, which is not true. But well, things happened but in the middle of the year, I found out that he had a girlfriend and tbh I was kinda pissed off because 1. he pretended that we never became friends 2. he should just tell me about the girl, so I would know where I stand and he shouldn't just leave me hanging.

I didn't cry about it, I was just mostly pissed. But luckily there's no confession going on, so it was not really a big heart-broken event but okay, I was a bit disappointed.

Then, I tried getting to know other people, but no one could impress me like he did because he's really funny haha. I was also involved in a situation where misunderstandings happened and people accused me to be the third person and I never like that label so I really I walked away and distanced myself from it so all good.

Some guys confessed their feelings and I didn't wanna be rude but they could really be good friends so we stayed friends but I'm never good at keeping a friendship, cause sometimes I just didn't keep in touch with people, so it's totally my fault.

There's also a point where I wanted to be nice, but I knew I was making a wrong decision of being nice because, in the end, I hurt another party so badly and I truly felt sorry for that.

I was not a confused girl, I totally knew what I wanted, 

I wanted and still, want, the first relationship that I'll ever be in 

will be the one and only relationship that I want to be in, in my entire life.

I never said the word "I love you" to any boy in my life because it's so precious to me.

When people asked me what qualities in guy that I'm looking for,

my answer would sound very cliche, but all I want is a guy who could accept me and my family

and I want a guy that my family could accept.

When a guy asked me out, I asked him to seek permission from my dad

and none could fulfill that, except for Pan.

(I'm feeling a bit emotional that I kinda cry writing this haha)

I knew of Pan when I was 14, I saw his face at a basketball tournament when I was 16, we finally talked when we're 17 and he texted me 3 months after we spoke and the connection that I felt with him was totally different. He had this vibe that allowed me to open up to him about everything. He's a great listener and I fall for him since the day we spoke. He never showed that he's interested in being more than just friends, I didn't either cause I still felt like the guy should make the first move haha. We shared problems about academic stuff, school stuff and he's the headboy of his school, so we kinda understood each other's problems more but during high school, no one knew that we kept in touch. 

But the same old story, he left me hanging as the SPM days approached. 

I kinda felt immune to being left hanging but deep in my heart, I was curious but needed to stay calm because it's SPM for God's sake and I needed to ace this exam!

When you talked to someone every day and suddenly he went missing without telling you why you felt clueless and confused.

But I guess I was too attached to this feeling which I knew can be harmful, 

and so I cried about it. I felt so stupid because I never cried over a guy, and his sudden disappearance really broke my heart.

So I prayed istikharah, asking help from Allah.

Alhamdullilah, I recovered from this heartbreak easily.

When I think about it again, I didn't even know why did I feel so heartbroken before because again, there's no attachment or whatever, we didn't confess about our feelings, literally, we're just friends haha! But I guess that's why you call 'crush' ugh so stupid hahaha I'm sorry for being such an emo 17-year-old tumblr kid. Anyway, back to my story..

The next time he contacted was on my 18th birthday, which I never knew he would remember and the fact that he's not a facebook kid, I'm pretty sure he remembered my birthday by heart. And so, I cried again because I was so touched as he's the first person to wish me.

When the SPM result was released, he contacted me again asking for my result, then he approached me during UTP interview and he was being super caring on that day because I had terrible stomachache (gastric issue) and my parents knew that he took care of me on that day and he's the only guy that I've ever mentioned about to my dad.

One night, we decided to talk about this whole situation and that night he broke my heart even more.

So he confessed to me about his feelings but he said he's not ready to be in a relationship, thus he wanted to distance himself from me, and we should not contact each other till he felt like contacting me back, which was totally unfair to me.

So I cried the whole week about it haha! Mostly because I knew he too felt the connection, but what made me even sadder was I just lost a person that I could easily open up too, I lost a good listener and I lost an amazing friend. But I respected his choice, so we didn't speak for a month, we called it injury moment haha.

The next month, he texted me, congratulated me on my scholarship and Ministry of Education award and we didn't stop talking since then.

In July, he surprised me by visiting me in college and we spoke about what had happened and we decided to open a new chapter and we both give chance to each other, to get to know each other and 4 years later, we're still stuck in each other's life!

From a minor heartbreak to some dramas in between, to a major heartbreak,

I would proudly announce that the boy who broke my heart is Pan

and I gave him chance to fix it and he did, he does.

Lessons that I learned from this whole story:

1. A boy can never break your heart unless you allow him to. 

2. Do not be too attached to uncertainties. 

Relationships with human beings are very uncertain, today he might love you with all his heart, tomorrow he might fall for someone else. It's human's heart that we're dealing with and we never know what's in someone's heart.

3. Always know that everything happens for reasons. If I didn't face the minor heartbreak, I might not be strong during my SPM days to face the major heartbreak, at least my heart had gotten used to it haha.

4. Let go and let God. 

How to move on from a major heartbreak? Pray. 

Allah will mend your broken heart, fast enough, faster than you could ever imagine.

5. Be patient in waiting for your Mr. Right. All the waitings, dramas and heartbreaks will be worth it once you found the right person.

6. Trust your gut and instinct. 

My instinct told me, to still wait for him even after the injury moment.

7. Open up, speak up about your feelings when you have the chance to do so.

He didn't know that he hurt me so much until I told him about it.

8. Even if you think he's your Mr. Right, you still cannot predict the future, again back to Lesson 2. 

9. Appreciate what you have now before they become things you once had.

10. The map to a woman's heart is to always listen and the map to a man's heart is to always give him the space he needs.

11. Every love story is unique, you will determine whether it'll be a beautiful one or a horrible nightmare.

I don't really know how everyone could relate to my story,

but all I'm trying to say is, 

things happen for reasons,

heartbreaks, breakups, unnecessary dramas, confused state of mind;

but you decide how these things should impact your life.

Great things do not come easily, but they surely worth the wait.