I feel like writing today because I feel empty when I don't.
When they say you can pray in any form of actions, I am a strong believer that writing is another form of praying. I pray as I write, my writing is my prayer.
TokAbah is again hospitalized, he lost so much red blood cells because of cancer, he barely eats, he refuses to take his medicine and we all know he's a stubborn guy, but he told us that he gives up in life.
He just doesn't want to live anymore, because he's in deep pain and he couldn't handle it.
I'm sad, he's not the person I know, he used to be a strong man, but I guess it's really painful that he just couldn't handle it this time. But tokabah, isn't taking medicine will heal the pain a bit? He cried when I told him that.
He barely wanted to talk to me, I tried several times talking to him, he just refused to, he pretended to be asleep and most of the time, he told me he's tired. When he decided to talk to me, he didn't wanna talk for long, because he would end up crying.
It hurts him when people feel sorry for his disease, but I've read articles, it's normal for people who have cancer to feel that way, but I have no words to tell him. I wanna let him know that that it's okay, tokabah, I still love you and I'm here for you.
I try being strong, I don't cry when I facetime my family, not anymore.
I only show the happy side of me, deep in my heart, I'm in deep pain too.
And now I couldn't stop my tears, they just keep flowing like Niagara Falls.
I told my mum yesterday,
I believe in God's miracle, I believe in Him,
but if tokabah is in deep pain, I don't want him to suffer.
If Allah wants tokabah to return to Him,
I won't be sad. I want him to be at peace, at ease.
Who was I kidding? Myself.
Of course, I will be sad, I will cry the whole night.
Before tokabah left the airport when he sent me off to KLIA last September,
he held my hand strongly as if he didn't wanna let it go.
I told him many times, I will see him again when I come back, I will.
He has to promise me that he'll be there to see me graduate.
He just smiled and he told me God knows well.
A few months later, he's diagnosed with cancer and he's devastated by this disease.
Cancer doesn't only hurt him physically, but it eats his soul too.
Oh Allah, please reduce his pain.
It hurts when the person you love is not the person you used to know before,
but it doesn't make you love them any lesser.
I will definitely remember all his stories that he used to tell me when he picked me up from school, from my internship. I will remember his bits of advice.
He always told me to help people in need.
He doesn't mind having zero balance in his account, as long as he could help anyone in need.
He granted all his grandchildren's wishes.
I was being spoiled when I stayed at my grandparents' place,
I just told him I wanted to eat this, and that and he would immediately take me to those places.
He's the go-to person in his neighborhood and everyone in town would know him by his name,
he's a strong figure, he's a great leader. Even though he could be very fierce,
oh well getting a B is a no-no in his life policy, but he showed his love and affection in different ways.
I love talking to old folks, their wisdom and life lessons could be my life guidance.
They made mistakes in their life, thus they tell us stories, so we won't repeat their mistakes.
Their ways of thinking can be a bit old-school but we're wise enough to apply those lessons according to what's relevant to the current world.
I hope tokabah is given strength to face this pain.
Get well soon, tokabah.
I miss you.
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